Cat-a-clysm

By Jon Roe

Cats are dirty, dirty sluts. A cat out on its own is likely to have sex with every other cat it meets. With this unscrupulous amount of feline fornication come millions of kittens. “Everyone loves kittens, the world needs more kittens,” cry the people! Alas, this wish has already been fulfilled. In fact, there is a surplus of cats in the world. There are more cats than there are people who want to care for cats. Some may propose a controlled slaughter is in order. Well, the truth is that such a genocide is already happening. In our city alone, the Calgary Humane Society picks up around 7,000 to 9,000 cats every year. Though many of them are returned to their rightful caretakers, an equal portion of them are euthanized. Though not a problem for people who don’t particularly love cats, those who actually like and own cats create this situation.

There’s no better reason to be home at 11 a.m. than watching The Price is Right. Bob Barker oggles all the young college girls who hope to win a new car only to end up selling it to pay the 50 per cent in taxes they owe to the IRS. Despite his overt attempts to troll for teenaged ass, Bob Barker has a meaningful message. At the end of every show, Bob bestows upon his faithful, “Have your pets spayed and neutered.” Regardless of a cultural icon supporting this proposition, people who own cats still don’t get them spayed or neutered. The result is a massive amount of cat sex occurring on our city streets with unwanted kittens being disposed of in many fashions. Assuming most people who own cats are indeed lovers of them, they should show their love for the feline species by dropping the proverbial axe on the not so proverbial genitalia of their own cat.

Some cat owners don’t want Fluffy to part with his beloved cat missile, but there is another option. In Calgary, it is a fineable offence for cats to be out on the streets. Besides introducing the feline to many new dangers, city streets are, oddly enough, home to other species that don’t have the defences against these domesticated menaces. Songbirds are one of the many examples that end up as Fluffy food, if Fluffy is let out to play everyday. Disillusioned cat owners believe that cats need this open space to thrive and live happy lives, but this is not the case. Cats could live happily destroying the owners’ domicile if the owner provides all the things they need: food, shelter, warmth, and a sandbox or houseplant to shit in. If that’s not enough to convince cat owners, then consider this disturbing possibility: seeking warmth in the winter, cats often end up getting fricasseed in parked cars’ engine blocks when the unwitting driver starts their car in the morning. This possibility is greatly increased when some drivers, not particularly fond of cats, place cat food under the hood. If a loving cat owner would find it unfavourable to donate a cat soup to their neighbour, perhaps it would be an advisable action to keep the cat inside.

Potential cat owners also have a part in reducing the kitten massacre. Pet stores always have cats in stock–there is an endless supply of professionally bred cats. At the same time, there are equally cute and fluffy specimens doomed to wait on kitty death row for the lethal injection at SPCAs around the city. For a potential cat owner, the choice is obvious: pick up a cat from the SPCA who is equally adorable and does all the same cat things, like ignore you and meow randomly at all times of the night, rather than buy a new cat. Working on the principle of the three R’s, picking up unwanted SPCA cats reduces the demand for new cats and lowers the amount that are bred in the long run, reuses and recycles a cat who would’ve otherwise been dust in the wind. Hell, new cat owners should pick up two if they want, as long as they don’t starve them and force them to fight each other. The SPCA frowns upon that.

Kittens are great, but very few people want to care for the inevitable evolution of kittens: cats. The group that actually likes cats has the unenviable job of behaving responsibly when it comes to their feline’s welfare. Avoiding fines, unwanted offspring, and ground feline à la car are some of the many tasks that a cat owner must undertake. Fortunately, all these things are easily avoidable problems by removing the cat’s doodads and keeping them inside the house. Now if only human children were so easy to control.