Academic Probation

Dear James...

Much needed advice for lonely and distressed students

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Dear James, I've got a problem. This super-hot guy I really like keeps ignoring me and I don't know how to get his attention. I've tried talking to his friends to see if he likes me between classes, but nothing's working. What can I do?

- Lonely-on-Saturday-evening


Look, loser, if you want to get his attention you're going to have to forget about this junior-high asking-people-to-pass-notes bullshit. He needs to notice you, and this isn't the way to do that. For starters, all guys like skin--and lots of it. First, I'd try wearing something a little more revealing. If that doesn't work, perhaps you need to be a little more obvious--try grabbing his ass. That's sure to get his attention--and you his number.

Dear James, my girlfriend isn't putting out. Well, technically she's not my girlfriend and I suppose technically she doesn't know that I'm watching her right now as I write this. But you know James, it just ain't fair.

- Lonely philosophy student

Listen, you've got to stop this. Just because you've isolated yourself and killed any chance of sex or a half-interesting social life for at least the next five years by choosing philosophy as your major doesn't mean you can terrorize innocent women on campus.

Drop philosophy and take WMST201. You might not meet any of the ladies, but at least you'll be enlightened as to what women in the know plan to do with people like you. And trust me, castration would be getting off easy.

Dear James, my boyfriend is into S&M. I was fine with the handcuffs,

but when he started bringing the

studded paddles and chains, I started to get nervous. How do I tell him I'm not comfortable?

- Tied up beauty

You've really got a problem here, don't you? I've had this problem before. You think; "should I stop things before they begin or wait until I'm bound up with bamboo and paperclips in compromising positions to say enough's enough?" Here's what you do, and this will work in any relationship, boyfriend or girlfriend. You need to set limits, and talk to you partner before he brings out the mace. But be warned that he won't get the hint overnight--you'll need to be patient. He says he wants you to use a ball spreader, one-up him--tell him you'd like to try using a cat-o'-nine-tails. Or if he says he wants to use a cucumber, cook him one for dinner. No matter how obscene it gets, don't give in.

Find something that works to your benefit, or else just say "no" as soon as he whips out the alligator clips. After all, to make a loving relationship work, you'll need to be receptive to each other's needs--it comes with the territory. That way, next time you want to peg him you'll have some leverage--literally.

Letters can be sent to James at