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Drunks are stupid: campus security report

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"Bad boys, bad boys, whatcha gonna do?"

While the Campus Security Report for the month of May resembles the dullest episode of To Serve and Protect more closely than Cops Uncensored, troublemakers around campus still did strange and wacky things in May, especially after consuming large amounts of alcohol.

Perhaps the best example of liquor overload gone wrong was a concert-goer at the Disturbed metal concert Thu., May 25.

"A non-student at a concert drank two full glasses of vodka, smoked two joints and then fell and hit her head and had to be transported by EMS," explained Campus Security Manager Lanny Fritz.

Concert goers must have been feeling particularly rowdy, because at the same show Disturbed lead singer David Draiman was hit in the head with a water bottle, but fared better than the girl transported by EMS.

In less violent news, a con-man sold fake $50 spa packages to unsuspecting women in the Health Sciences building.

"We had a guy who said he was selling spa packages to a particular spa," said Fritz. "Somebody called and it was confirmed that the spa wasn't selling any packages."

Fritz added that students should not buy from anyone unless they have a legitimate business card and phone numbers for more information. Besides, said Fritz, MacEwan Student Centre is the only place vendors can legally sell anything, so students should think twice when presented with deals elsewhere on campus.

The month also saw an increase in theft, which generally occurs in the summer, according to Fritz.

One man was detained as he attempted to load a U-bike into the back of a truck. The red-and- yellow-striped bikes are meant to provide free transportation to students on campus.

Three Dodge Neons were also jacked from campus by the infamous Dr. Neon, who has been stealing the cute little cars city-wide. Fritz said Campus Security is working with city police to catch the culprit and reveal his identity.

"Criminals often see the university as a place that they have easy access to and there's lots of movement of vehicles," said Fritz, noting a stolen car was also dumped in lot 20 during May.

While bikes and cars are common targets for theft on campus, another thief had something more unique on his hit list.

"Someone stole a cement mixer from a contractor on campus," said Fritz. "It has not yet been recovered. Maybe it's another contractor. [The cement mixer] is hard to sell at the pool hall and if it was a joke someone would have just pulled it around the corner."

There were also problems with off-campus troublemakers during May, including a man found passed out in a women's washroom in Biological Sciences.

"He's a homeless person with a mental health condition," said Fritz, noting the man has had past altercations with Campus Security. "He's bipolar and wasn't taking his medication--he had it on him, but unopened. He has this thing about going into women's washrooms, but he hasn't touched anyone."

Fritz said his favourite call of the month was an ironic mishap in the Brewster residence building when a water pipe burst.

"We had water in residence that shorted out a smoke detector which then started a fire and then put itself out," he said, laughing.

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