Academic Probation
Darren Spinner plans to start a grassroots movement on campus, despite everything.
Michael Grondin/the Gauntlet

First-year student thinks he can change the world

U of C political science major wants to do good in his community

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Despite the inherent corruption of our financial and political systems and the rapid decline of Western civilization, first-year political science student Darren Spinner is convinced that he will be able to affect a positive change in the world around him.

As a new student at the University of Calgary, Spinner is eager to begin making his community a better place, even though we live in a world that has been irreversibly poisoned by apathy and distrust.

“I believe that one student can make a difference,” said Spinner, seemingly unaware of the immensely powerful organizations and institutions that exist solely to ensure the protection of the established status quo. “A little effort and a desire to change the world is all you need,” he said.

Spinner graduated from the International Baccalaureate program in high school, which required him to waste even more of his youth living up to arbitrary educational standards than his peers. Now that he is in university, Spinner mistakenly believes that continuing to go above and beyond what is required of him will eventually entitle him to some sort of happiness or satisfaction later in life.

“The university experience is about more than just going to class and getting good grades,” said Spinner, in a way that could only be described as arrogantly naïve. “There are so many opportunities to do real good in the world, both right here in our backyard and on a more global scale.”

In order to find more like-minded people to take part in his idealistic fever dream, the enterprising student plans to use social media to organize and promote events and fundraisers. Spinner, who one day hopes to run for public office, is a strong advocate for using platforms like Twitter and Facebook to connect with the community, build a following and presumedly distract themselves from their own inescapable mortality.

“For me it’s important that change comes from people, so I really want this to be a grassroots thing,” said Spinner who, like all things in this fleeting world, must one day die. “Twitter and Facebook are great ways to spread a message and get people excited about making a difference.”

Even though the road in front of him may be a long one, Spinner has both confidence in his abilities and the foolish notion that the legacy of humanity will be anything other than one of unbridled destruction and avarice. As our species continues our death march towards inevitable and premature extinction, Spinner will work tirelessly towards making his community — and the world — a better place.

“Sometimes people act like there is no point in trying to make the world better or that it’s impossible to change the way things are,” said Spinner as, even now, entropy is eating away at every particle of his living being. “I aim to prove those people wrong.”

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