By Ben Hoffman
I believe Mariah Carey put it best, Mr. Klein, when she said “Look inside you and be strong/and you’ll finally see the truth/that a hero lies in you.” Tell us, you dog, when did you woo such a fine dame? Because it really is hard to believe she would have written that song about anyone but you. Sitting here–as per my nightly ritual–and listening to it, tears are welling up. Has the empire really crumbled, the dynasty faded? I cry the same tears you cried mere days ago before the legislature and the world.
This feeling will pass, I’m sure. Come tomorrow morning and the same bacon and eggs I’ve had every morning for 14 years, I’ll face my day assured that although the skin of the situation changes–like a cyborg battling junkies in some removed dystopia 600 years in the future–the heart hasn’t changed, and isn’t it the heart of the thing that matters?
So I’m not going to spend this space mourning 14 lost years, instead I’m going to celebrate them. Perhaps then we can raise our heads and look forward to pushing the Klein paradigm into the centuries to come, or at least until cyborg technology develops further so we can reinstate you as our glorious post-human leader.
Remember that time you “got drunk and verbally abused those homeless people?” I don’t know why that was so scrutinized; it was obvious to me what you were doing. Nobody I know in politics has taken so personal an interest in their constituents. Who cares that you were drunk? Everyone enjoys getting sauced once in a while.
And how about that “blundering around with money that you really had no right claiming you had anything to do with earning?” That money was yours–your passion and influence was obviously the key factor in rising oil prices. I mean, they have increased since you came into power during the late cretaceous period when the oil was first starting to form. Don’t let any of those winos or liberals tell you anything different, it’s crystal clear the best way to spend a huge surplus is to break it into $400 prosperity chunks and let people waste it.
And what’s with this talk of “not having a financial plan?” The media likes to stir the pot a little, no? You’re sly, but I could see it: you trust us. You want us to make our own future. Truly, you are a philosopher among peasants. You give us prosperity cheques and don’t make a plan because you know, nay, believe we can do it on our own. It’s definitely not because you don’t give a shit about us.
So let this be a lesson to whoever wins the conservative leadership race: we are not a hopeless province. There’s a simple formula to take us into the future. When you criticize the unfortunate, do it while under the influence of two intoxicants. After that, take those people from their shelter and together you can change “shoot, shovel and shut up” into “shoot, use our new ‘homeless labour’ program to shovel for you, and shut up.” Finally, when cyborg Klein reigns down his righteous Albertan pride upon us, give him love, support, and all the oil he needs to power his death lasers. Alberta Prevail!
As for you, Mr. Klein, I would just like to express my sincerest hopes that you don’t leave your post feeling used up or irrelevant. You, however unfortunately, embody Alberta. There will always be a freshly pee-warmed spot in our pants for you. And cyborgs.