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The end is nigh. Repent, sinners. Repent!
the Gauntlet

The future looks grim

Gauntlet election results in; nobody wins

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The dust has settled, the plants can see the light again, though they're scarcely better off for it. Certainty has died, leaving only the disquiet of the future.

Despite the constant criticism of being a damn dirty economist, current features editor Jon Roe Sports Editor has pulled himself up by his bootstraps to overthrow the current editorial regime at the University of Calgary Gauntlet and name himself next year's editor-in-chief. His co-conspirator Sarelle Azuelos will replace the known subversive Katy Anderson, often likened to Ernesto "Che" Guevera both in her political zeal and sparse facial hair, as the news editor next year.

"Unbelievable," said overthrown dictator-in-chief Chris Tait, spilling his drink. "I just seriously can't believe it. Who knew my term ran out after one year? My belief is just, like, not here; it's absent."

Allegations of extreme stupidity and laziness seem not to have phased the incumbent EIC, who replied to an interview request for this story by flopping about in a pile of his own filth and reciting the lyrics to "Auld Lang Syne."

Incoming news editor Azuelos was more receptive to quotation, though the virility of her comments has limited their publicizability, even despite the lax editorial standards frequently seen in the Gauntlet. Of the statements both tame and coherent enough to be published, the following was salvaged.

"Fuck you, I did it!" she screamed. "It was me. You're all ididoths [sic]."

The results seem not to have perturbed Spanish politico-turned-oil recession dirt farmer Katy Anderson.

"Well, paper fell in with a whole pack 'a chuckleheads," she said, pausing just long enough to spit black tar from between the gap in her front teeth and shake her head solemnly. "Just like I was sayin' to ol' Bob Jones from down the road: nobody wins."

One thing is certain, though: in the barren wasteland of the future Gauntlet, talent shall no longer reign, supplanted only by mediocrity and grown-man-just-shit-himself shame.

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