Academic Probation

Hollywood does philosophy

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Hot-like nearly a decade later hot-on the coattails of the phenomenally successful first matrix movie, The Matrix, Hollywood has pulled its collective head out of its ass just long enough to see that a little philosophy can go a long way in the picture shows. Having voted and unilaterally declared Descartes passe, however, the Illuminati conspiracy that runs ours and other fine nations has feathered interest out into the realms of different great thinkers in a desperate grab for the next big thing to turn into an awesome action movie. AP investigates some of the recent pitches and storyboards recovered from what is either their wastebasket or their "crumple it up and we'll store it here because it's brilliant" basket. It's up to you to decide.

The Odobenidae Contingent
...AND THEN A GIANT EIGHT-DICKED WALRUS EMERGES FROM THE DEPTHS OF THE EARTH AND RAPES THE SPACE STATION TO DEATH!! and don't worry it's still totally a smart movie because there was this one part in Malthus where he talks about natural disasters moderating human population and what better to do that than A WALRUS WITH EIGHT FUCKING DICKS!

...and then it ends with all the heroes and the walrus looking out over the wasted rubble of the world, reflecting on the lesson they just learned about friendship.

Possible plot from Hobbes, Leviathan???
DON SMITH wakes up one day only to find that people are all mean to each other but he can psychically control how mean. (He has to use this power to fight a giant fish monster that is eating everyone??)

"The first and highest law must be the love of man to man. Homo homini deus est-this is the supreme practical maximum, this the turning point of the world's History."

–Ludwig Feuerbach

A Love not Manly Enough or Pounding on hot dude pussy pt. VIII
Feuerbach's terrifying vision of the future is realized in A Love not Manly Enough. The film follows the harrowing tale of Billiam Feet (Topher Grace) in the year 3386. To the casual observer, this future world looks like a Utopia, there's no crime, no poverty and cancer has been channelled into awesome super-powers or beautiful facial extensions.

After stumbling across an ancient book, Billiam is startled to receive a glimpse of the past. Based on the pages of this book, Billiam discovers that in the ancient world there was an enigmatic type of human known as 'women' who freely sported long hair, and strange chest protrusions that Billiam can only assume were used to transport burritos...

The Social Contract Scene sample:
...JAQUES holds a gun to TIGERBOMB's head. Sweat beads on both men's forehead. Little does JAQUES know, but EMILIE has approched him from behind, holding the pen he used to sign away the rights of all free men.
TIGERBOMB- You're insane, Jaques! This flies in direct defiance of the general will!
JAQUES- Silly, silly Tigerbomb... I am the general will.
EMILIE- Sorry, Jaques.
JAQUES turns around, shocked. EMILIE stabs him in the neck with the pen.
EMILIE- You've just been contracted.
JAQUES dies.
TIGERBOMB- That doesn't make a lot of sense.
EMILIE- You don't make a lot of sense.
TIGERBOMB- This is why I opposed women's literacy.




You ain't kidding about the Illuminati running our country. It turns out that they are trying to make a religion, called Matrixism: the path of the One, out of the movie The Matrix. Apparently the Jedi Knight religion was just a set up. See it for yourself at: