Academic Probation
WHETHER 'TIS NOBLER: The outline above shows how the Philosopher's Garden in the Atrium might look if the Philosophy Department succeeds in its efforts to transplant the Tree of Knowledge of Good and Evil there.
Aaron Whitfield/The Gauntlet

Inna gadda da vida

Philosophy Department's arboreal ambitions challenged by Chaplains

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A little-known pet project of the Philosophy Department was violently thrust into the spotlight this week. It was leaked that the department is attempting to procure the Tree of Knowledge of Good and Evil.

The tree is best known for its pivotal role in mankind's banishment from the Garden of Eden. According to one source, the department is planning to plant the infamous tree in the Philosopher's Garden, between the Discoursing Greeks.

Upon questioning representatives of the Philosophy Department, the Gauntlet received confirmation that they are in fact making an effort to appropriate the Tree of Knowledge.

"It would be a highly practical alternative for students considering dropping out of ethics-related courses they may be struggling with," said one source, who asked not to be identified.

When asked about the questionable ethics involved in ensuring that any student could master the subject of morality, regardless of the effort they invest, the department declined to comment.

The most vocal objections to the Philosophy Department's actions came from the Chaplain's Centre. According to many of the religious groups represented there, any student encouraged to eat of the Tree of Knowledge would break the first edict ever put forth by God. However, it should be noted that
Catholic students are exempt from this restriction. Due to a loophole in the belief of original sin, Catholics believe all of mankind is already accountable for its predecessors having broken the aforementioned edict. As such, the Catholic representative declined to voice similar objections to those of his colleagues.

The Tree of Knowledge is also of keen interest to some of the science departments. Some department heads have expressed an interest in attempting to create genetically modified seedlings from the tree which would provide a method of instantly conducting information on a variety of topics to any who consume the fruit.

"The early estimates on the time and cost saved by educating students via [genetically modified] forbidden fruit is promising," stated Biological Engineering professor Eugene Hicks.

The Students' Union also supports developing the forbidden fruit, which would help the SU campaign for lower undergraduate tuition fees.

"A piece of fruit would definitely be cheaper than stacks of textbooks," explained SU spokesperson Alex Vandenhoofd.

Despite the abundance of benefits from developing the forbidden fruits, maintenance staff at the university are concerned.

"In the event that they incur the divine wrath, we're rigging the entire campus with lightning rods," said Frank Benjamin, a custodian.

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