The man with the plan

By Chris Tait

University is a place of learning.

We continually kid ourselves with this misleading line. The truth is, it’s unavoidable learning things at university, just as it is anywhere else.

Fluid dynamics, collision physics, anatomy, chemistry, and medicine. But you don’t have to go to class to get all of these lessons. There are no prerequisite courses, and the tuition payments are a fraction of what they are at university. You can come and go as you please, and study as long and as hard as you want. The classrooms are all over the city, and the lectures are often taught by several profs. Independent study is discouraged, and you often cannot take your work home with you. Scheduling individual help is easy, with the help of a small gratuity, and there’s always an ear around, whether it’s listening or not.

We at the Gauntlet believe that there are several different types of education–or at least that’s what we keep telling ourselves. It is in this spirit that we have decided to help the university to speed up the learning curve in our field of focus. How, you say, do we propose to do this? Why, by drinking, of course (you thought we meant journalism… how quaint).

We’ve decided to take time out of busy schedule to selflessly conduct “research” in these studies. Through scrupulous and exacting tests, we’ve brought to you a compendium that could help make or break your university career. If there is one thing you actually read this semester, this should be it.

Whether you’re an engineer and need to get down time after a long week of classes, an English major who needs to follow in the footsteps of Joyce and Blake, or a Communications major who needs to choose your concentration, this is the one-stop guide for you.

Warning: Some or all of this publication may or may not have been written during or after coherence had been lost due to excessive research. We apologize for any inconvenience this may cause, and hope that our drunken mumbling does not discourage you from stumbling through our first-hand words of wisdom.

A million monkeys on a million typewriters with a million bottles of absinthe could not have put a better effort together than the 13 chimps who were lured from the wild to complete this indispensable guide to truth and drunkenness (moral of the story: chimps make better writers than monkeys, or something like that).

After all, In Vinum Veritas.

Alcoholic Contributors:
Adam Berti, Anna Chan, Adam Goetz, Jeff Kubik, Вen Li, Peter Hemminger, Shane Mack, Garth Paulson, Chris Beauchamp, Andrew Ross, Rob Scherf, Natalie Sit and Russ Dyck.