Modern Pied Piper

By Jeff Kubik

I hear you; I swear to God I hear you all! Stop it. Yes, I know that you want to know about Willard, I understand. It’s a re-make of the 1971 horror film, it was released last Friday. Now please just leave me alone, I’ll tell you whatever you want to know!

You see, Willard–played by Crispin Glover, a man who seems as though he has a few more screws loose than we do–has a few voices to contend with too, but they’re all a lot more indistinct and shrieking than any of you. They’re rats, a filthy clawed pestilence that has infected Willard’s mansion.

What? The house that his father left him, the one that he lives in with his desiccated mother. She’s played by Jackie Burroughs. I said stop screaming!

Yes, he does have a job; it’s at the company his father started. No, his family isn’t in control any more, in fact his boss–the actor’s name is R. Lee Ermey, please stop asking–has made Willard’s life miserable. Just like all of you, he won’t let that poor protagonist live without incessant criticism.

Oh God, my head!

It’s only when Willard finds an ally in a white rat named Socrates that he begins to strike back against those people that make him miserable. No, the white rat isn’t the only one, there’s also a giant general of a rat named Big Ben.

Once he finally finds his new friends and learns to command them like a disciplined legion, he exacts revenge against his boss until the infestation becomes more than he can control.

Yes, most of the pests are real; it took ten wranglers a scene to control the sheer numbers of them. Of course they had to supplement the numbers with a few computer generated rodents and animatronics vermin! Are you insane?

Is it any good? Haven’t I told you enough?

Unfortunately, while it’s obviously conscious of its campier elements, it just doesn’t follow through as a black comedy or a horrifying gothic fantasy.

I’m not going to ask you again, if you’re going to scream at me you’ll have to find another head to live in!

It just doesn’t follow through on its premise, leaving the audience to be terrified by the prospect of marauding rodents or its creepy lead. I don’t care if you’re afraid of rats, that’s just not enough to sustain a full-length movie, there has to be some kind of development!

Yes, I admit it Crispin Glover is a scary, scary man, and he’s certainly perfectly cast as a scary, scary character. No, that’s not enough! When the premise is a metaphor as obvious as rat droppings and the director isn’t able to decide whether he wants his audience scared out of their seats or unnerved by things that go squeak in the night, rats and an eerie lead just can’t make a movie!

Well I’m sorry if you don’t agree but… oh God, no… please… just let me…