Academic Probation

New scholarship helps attract Dwarven students

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The University of Calgary and provincial government announced a new scholarship program designed to allow students of dwarf ancestry to enter specialized programming in Alberta.

The scholarship was made possible by a grant from renowned Dwarf-Lord and philanthropist Dvalinn Stoneaxe who, after breaking with the traditions of his people and leaving the misty mountain range of northern British Columbia, established a prospering mithril smelting operation in Airdrie.

"I know how tough it is for young dwarflets these days," said the 453-year-old Stoneaxe. "By the time they sprout their training beard they're expected to be working in the mines. I want to show them there's another world out there, a world lit by a huge, yellow sky-hawk [the sun]."

U of C dean of admissions Geoffrey Hunter said the school is excited to begin offering Dwarf students the opportunity to receive a post-secondary education.

"Our view is that getting a degree shouldn't be unobtainable just because you're four feet tall or use a language based on magic runes," said Hunter.

But not all are excited about the increased opportunities the scholarship offers. Theolis Quinivi of the Northern Elf Clan called the program a waste of resources.

"Dwarves are a filthy race of dirt people," said the slender, fair-skinned second-year biological sciences student. "They're more concerned with their mines than their minds. Ha! My jest is truly too clever to be wasted on the likes of the Dwarven people."

The percentage of Albertan Dwarves with a post-secondary education sits at seven per cent, below Ogres (12 per cent) Goblins (10 per cent) and only slightly above the hyper-evolved rat people known as the Skaven (six per cent).

The announcement comes shortly after the annual Dwarven festival of Muluthon when the great earth dragon Signothin is appeased by the nimble dancing and riddles of the village, blessing them with a rich harvest of turnips and dirt-grapes.

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