I have the solution to one of the world's most pressing problems. No, not world peace, global warming or Dubya's "fuzzy logic." Nope, I'm talking about the big VD: Valentine's Day. The way I see it, it's the lovefest everyone hates.
Well, that's not strictly true. You can love VD as long as you've got someone--or something--to do. For us single folk, we wake on Valentine's Day to find the rest of our lives staring us in the face. Women, myself included, who normally spend the rest of the year being "single and fabulous!" get a slightly defensive edge in their voices that morphs the exclamation point on "fabulous!" into a question mark. Men don't seem to have this problem. Really, the only way a man notices Valentine's Day is when he's in a relationship and has a woman to shop for.
I think the gross divergence in coping mechanisms stems from a general difference in approach to relationships. I noticed the other day that women talk about relationships using terms like "emotionally unavailable", "reciprocal validation" and "mutual consent." Men use words like "tongue", "grope" and "schwing." The difference is perfectly illustrated by Valentine's Day: single women, for one day, live the cliché by bewailing their failure to have found the perfect mate. Men go looking for action. It's as though having a penis kind of relegates emotional needs to that grey area of awareness otherwise reserved for tax returns.
I'm not bashing men. I love men. It's just that they don't get all that mushy feeling stuff that makes Valentine's Day such a stumbling block for women. So henceforth, I think Valentine's Day should just be a girly holiday from now on. Men get Super Bowl Sunday. Women get Valentine's to dress themselves up and love each other crazy. For just one day, women around the world get all the emotional availability and nurturing they can handle. It can only make the sordid mushfest easier for all of us, as well as making the return to our normal emotion-starved existence that much smoother.
Women, this Valentine's Day, don't descend into your normal frenzy of self-doubt and planning. Find another woman. Eat some chocolate together. Tell each other you're beautiful. Share your dreams. Communicate. Snuggle. Get everything you've never gotten from men, bless their hearts. Do whatever it takes to boycott the exclusionary, evil spirit of St. Valentine who jeers at you every year and makes you feel like a failure because you're alone. Be single. Be fabulous!