Opinions

Political Lexicon mark zwei

Back by something not entirely dissimilar from popular demand

Publication YearIssue Date 

"We look forward to hearing your vision, so we can more better do our job. That's what I'm telling you."

-George W. Bush

President George W. Bush is always one to lend a helping hand. Even if you don't ask for it. What he says can be misconstrued by the left-wing media, as can the meanings of many words and expressions commonly used. Bush is stupid in much the same fashion a sumo wrestler is fat. A denigrating characteristic, but also the key to success in his job. And now, an unofficial guide to decoding the language of our age... again.

Federal Communications Commission

Necessary check on family values and words that can cause unrest in Mississippi churches. Never strict enough and needs to be more vigilant. Howard Stern just signed a $500 million contract. There's work to be done.

North American automotive industry

Dinosaur. Future airline industry, currently laying the groundwork for a long future of government subsidy. Great place to lose money and buy an overpriced SUV.

Church, the

Second largest real estate owner in the world behind Mcdonalds. Currently drafted the Sidney Crosby of Popes who will huff and puff all the atheists down. May or may not have an attraction to little boys.

Canadian election

Prelude to a new election in 4-6 months.

Executive compensation

Completely prohibited from ever having any relationship to a company's performance. Most of the time the worse a company does the more money an executive should make. Must always be in the vicinity of 400-500 times that of a regular employee. ($15 million vs. $30,000)

Swindle/racket

Word misappropriated to businesses whose profit margins exceed 95 per cent. Pejorative usage only by media. A swindle is entrepreneurship on steroids.

Compassion

Dangerous weakness present in silly minded liberals. For conservatives, compassion is letting the inmate choose the manner in which he will be executed. Hoo-ah!

Pyramid scheme

(See Pension Plan)

DNA

Unnecessarily complex. Cannot be trusted.

Entitlements

Birthright given to liberal politicians. Redeemed at any time and at any cost. "I am entitled to my entitlements."

Nepotism

The only method to get a seven figure salary. (See George W. Bush)

George W. Bush

God. But, by according to most standardized tests: retarded. Controls world's most powerful country with world's most eschewed grammar. So powerful he even creates his own words. Can George W. Bush create an enemy he cannot defeat? Don't misunderestimate him.

Misunderestimate

The act of thinking that because someone looks stupid and sounds stupid they are stupid, when in fact they are God.

Oppressive dictator

Title valid insofar as the U.S. government does not currently agree with you. Can change at any time for any reason. Just hit refresh on your browser for an update.

Freedom fighter

Resulting outcome when U.S. government changes its mind. Stay on top of things and just hit refresh on your browser.

Terrorism

Any act contrary to the interests of America. That's the best I can do. The United Nations has been arguing over this for 30 years!

$60 a barrel oil

Get used to it.

Pension plan

Pyramid scheme. Currently, wandering near the truth in Alaska. We really thought you knew we were joking when we promised you money in 40 years. (See North American automotive industry)

Democracy

Requires ample and equal parts of apathy, ignorance and demagoguery. Stir and then bake for 15 minutes. Democracy is a euphemism for plutocracy. Rarely effective in practice--better portrayed in high school plays and late night movies.

Successful

Exxon Mobil's fourth quarter profit of $82,618 U.S. per minute (no this is not an exaggeration). Anything less would be trivial.

Unsuccessful

General Motors 2005 loss of $8.6 billion. This works out to a little over $23 million per day.

Google

What the late '90s tech bubble could have been. Misunderestimated by Wall Street back at $85 a share, the stock currently trades at around $365 a share. Founders Brin and Page now find themselves shopping at Boeing for toys. Each netted approximately $9 billion from a company that was started in their cramped, dirty, dishevelled college dorm room. This may give you some hope.

Missing the boat

Not buying shares of Google at $85.

Hypocrisy

Only applicable to Liberals. Hypocrisy does not represent a inconsistency worthy of concern or the blatant abuse of executive power. It simply represents your inferior mind trying to comprehend the ebbs and flows in conservative ideology. Stupid Liberal.

University of Calgary

Lacks the "vision thing." Currently, finds itself in the country's richest province yet perennially lacks funding. Remains consistent as the 14th best university in the country.

Mislead, to

Omitting the fact that the 14th place ranking was out of 15 universities.

Statistics

Malleable and creative. Can be used to prove, disprove or get funding for almost anything. Correlate the eating of pancakes with the murder rate or hurricanes with diarrhea. The possibilities are endless.

Frivolous

Any lawsuit brought forth by a law firm that advertises on the back cover of the yellow pages.

Conservative affection

Stoically shaking your six year old son's hand before he goes to school.

Section: 

Issue: