Academic Probation
Louie Villanueva/the Gauntlet

Scientists admit that science isn’t real

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A shocking announcement was made this weekend concerning the entire scientific field: science isn’t real. Apparently everything from
Galileo to Hawking is one big lie. The ancient Greeks started making up conjectures, but scientists have simply become better at making these conjectures sound legitimate. Copernicus thought he was pushing it with the whole ‘earth revolves around the sun’ thing, but that went over pretty well. Einstein knew science was a farce, so he just made up the most mind-blowing and unbelievable theories. 


A. J. Norman, PhD, a 2009 medicine Nobel laureate for his work on stem cell research, tweeted this concise, though nearly indecipherable, statement at 10:47 p.m. on Oct. 27: “JKing RE: Science. Rly srry, tho.” Although Norman could not be reached for further information, evolutionary anthropologist Edmund Russell, MD, elaborated on the controversial announcement on behalf of the scientific community. 


“I studied science so that my mother would stop pestering me to put down the guitar and go find a real job. A science degree is a bit like the movie Accepted, except they’ve been diagnosing people with fictional medical conditions and making up fake theories — it’s been going on for centuries,” said Russell.


After fondly re-enacting several humorous moments from the 2006 teen comedy, Russell cleared his throat and continued, “It was never meant to get out of hand like this, but once they started giving us those little hammers to hit people’s knees with, that was just too cool. But, yeah, science doesn’t exist. Sorry about that.” 


Renowned marine biologist and genealogist Andrea Burke, PhD, who is also a backup vocalist for the pop/punk group Angels from Hell-icase, explained how it was possible for the facade to continue for so long. 


“We are taught to look at something in the natural world and say something convincing about it. We’ve also been working closely with the producers of Pokémon for decades to come up with new species that we claim to discover periodically,” said Burke. “As for medicine — that’s the placebo effect. Doctors are just confident. Physics? Newton was really smart, but was actually better at bullshitting than the whole gravity and calculus thing. Chemistry just started by mixing stuff in a glass and getting people to drink it. I’m not sure how that one caught on, actually. Do you really think the periodic table exists?” 


The announcement has unsurprisingly rocked the world, leaving citizens in a state of shock and confusion. Many are outraged and in denial, refusing to accept this revelation. There are some parties, however, who are elated to hear the news. 


“This is absolutely wonderful,” enthused Colleen Patrick, a devout creationist. “Admittedly, it is somewhat unfortunate to realize that we no longer know anything about anything. But it sure is nice to know that I’ve been right about science all this time.” 


Creationists across the Bible Belt and beyond have started rallies crying, “We were right! We were right!”


Evolutionists have explained that Darwin just invented the theory of evolution to annoy religious believers. He felt that there wasn’t enough debate and conflict over how life began — natural selection was just an excuse to be mean. 


Dean of science at the University of Calgary Gerald Ferguson said he has always known that science wasn’t real, but didn’t want to be the one to admit it.


“If you actually think about, it can’t be real. Biology? Life is a bit more complicated than that. Astronomy? You’ve got to be joking. Theoretical physics? Madness,” said Ferguson. 


Ferguson said he is glad that the ‘scientific community’ has finally owned up to it. He is tired of listening to pointless doctoral theses. 


“The saddest part is that after so much time, children are raised to believe it and not ask questions. Young, first-year students — so bright-eyed and bushy-tailed — came eagerly to our supposedly hallowed halls. But there is a reason we awarded them a BS degree. Some schools just tacked on the ‘c’ to make it less apparent.” 


Ferguson explained the requirements for a science degree are simply learning everything other people have already made up. Currently, all the fake theories ­— even the fundamentals ­— are quite complex, so professors make students do practice problems to learn everything. 


Scientists involved mathematicians in the joke, enticing them by claiming that math is the ‘language of science.’ Apparently, scientists only wanted science to seem complicated and nerdy. 


“The great irony is that scientists made fun of English majors for making things up,” said Ferguson.

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