The world record for the 100 metre sprint is 9.74 seconds, which is, admittedly, pretty fast. But, wouldn't it be even better if that was 0.974 seconds? Steroids are the solution.
Steroids have been a contentious issue in the sports world for years. Most recently, track star Marion Jones admitted to using performance-enhancing drugs during the 2000 Sydney Olympics Oct. 5, 2007, effectively nullifying her five Olympic medal wins and leaving her career in shambles.
With her confession, Jones joins the ranks of professional athletic 'roid ragers along with dynamos like Arnold "the Governator" Schwarzenegger, Jose Canseco and Ben Johnson. This alarming prevalence of steroid use brings a serious problem with our world to light.
We live in an age of medicated, energy-drink gobbling, over-achievers who set the bar higher and higher for what is average, let alone exceptional. No one can be expected to rise above those goals without a little help because it's been proven time and time again that good, old-fashioned hard work just doesn't cut it anymore. This is why society needs to revamp its negative opinion of performance-enhancing steroid use in competitive sports.
The only way to make sports fair and honest in this day in age is to make pill-popping mandatory. People aren't going to stop using them and hell, why should they? They really do make you run faster, which is really all that matters, in the end. The sports world, like everything else, is setting its standards higher for what makes one a great, memorable athlete and most are struggling to keep up. In order to enforce the new rules and emphasize the seriousness of fair and honest play, doping tests should be conducted to weed out the athletes who aren't committed enough to take the plunge. Anyone without 'roids in their system should be automatically disqualified to ensure the most intense and record-breaking performances in every sport.
If one looks at promoting mandatory steroid use, the benefits for spectators and those participating are very clear. When we as spectators watch sports, we're looking for the people push themselves physically past the boundaries of what we think is humanly possible. We want more slam dunks, more world record-setting race times, more WWE monstrosities, harder punches, more fights in hockey and more home runs and steroids make these things happen. How could that be a bad thing?
The world's new, extreme attitude also dictates that athletes are expected to make sacrifices to achieve our new image of what makes entertaining sports. Breaks, sprains, lost teeth and chronic joint problems are a natural and expected part of any competitive sport. Really proving your dedication to your sport should include enduring shrunken testicles, unwanted female facial hair, enlarged clitorises, liver damage, male breast development, cystic acne, uncontrollable aggression, urinating blood, baldness, heart conditions, kidney problems, enlarged prostates, immune system deficiencies and sterility.
So, instead of telling our children the negatives about steroid use, we should promote the use of steroids as soon as they even express an interest in sports, thus fostering our society's new positive viewpoint. Pee-wee baseball will be more entertaining than ever as they shoot one after another after another out of the park. Start 'em while they're young.
"Hey Jimmy, don't forget to eat your steroids! Theeyyy'rrre great!"