Insomniacs of the world rejoice! Your cure is on the way with this easy five-step program. It's as easy as A-B-C... uh, D-E!
Step 1: Go to your local record store and pick up a copy of Laurel MacDonald's Luscinia's Lullaby.
Step 2: Go about your day as you normally would. Try to avoid stressful situations like hostage negotiations, gang fights and high-speed chases.
Step 3: This step is incredibly important, do not ingest several amphetamines while preparing for bed.
Step 4: Place Luscinia's Lullaby into your CD player, get into bed and concentrate on the luscious noise swirling about. Let MacDonald's pristine vocals and ethereal soundscapes take control of your mind until it slowly cradles you into a deep slumber.
Step 5: Proceed to have vivid dreams of unicorns and griffins engaging in courtly song and dance. The program will not work if you do not have these dreams.
As an added bonus, Luscinia's Lullaby is also a good listen even without a comfortable bed. Chock full of gorgeous art-pop songs in the vein of Laurie Anderson and Kate Bush, MacDonald showcases her incredible voice on the album. To receive the eight-part video series "Five Simple Steps to a Lifetime of Great Sleep," illustrating the process above, send $39.99 or homemade baking to the Gauntlet office care of Pyramid Scheme Inc.