Academic Probation
Team Canada’s own Daorcey Le Bray is psyched about the Baghdad finale.
Anna Chan and Adam Berti/The Gauntlet

Television worth watching

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Despite the grumbling of the entire world, United States President George W. Bush is preparing to usher in a new era of terrorist-free peace and prosperity by waging an aggressive war against Saddam Hussein. While others cry foul, however, I say, "Bully!" Good on ya George Junior! The globe can certainly benefit from one less moustachioed mass-murderer and his diabolical little nuggets of nuclear-capable evil.

Wars, though, cost money, and the United States has already sunk a great deal of money into its entirely unsuccessful search for Osama. Billions of dollars that the u.s. doesn't have must be sloshed into this new campaign, causing no small number of Washington power players to shuffle their feet and study the floor uncomfortably. Is it time to start pawning the White House curtains? No, fair readers, for we at the Gauntlet have a far superior plan.

You see, Xtreme action sports such as wakeboarding, aggressive in-line skating, bicycle stunting, moto-x and professional wrestling are all the rage in American pop culture right now. People pay good money for sensationalism and a sense of danger, real or imagined, so it's obviously time to take these games to a broader application.

Prepare yourselves for Xtreme Warfare.

This could be the next great revolution in military history, its importance right up there with the development of the pointy stick. A joint military-public relations campaign to topple our favourite Iraqi dictator, combining the emphatically unrelated institutions of military power and Xtreme sporting events. This is the first time in history that a war will not only be seen on television, but also be scripted, narrated, and fully covered by the media for the enjoyment of you, the draft-dodging viewer, from the comfort of your own home!

Cheerleaders

No Xtreme sporting event would be complete without its multitude of suggestive teenage cheerleaders, and Xtreme Warfare should continue this colourful trend. Many beautiful anorexic young women found themselves out of a job when the Xtreme Football League went under, so let's draft them into military service to cheer on America's finest from the front lines! Their cheerleading routines could be made all the more Xtreme by the presence of battlefield hazards such as minefields, barbed wire, and Iraqi snipers.

And hey, you just can't help if a few uniforms get torn out there.

Jerseys

Camouflage fatigues are very last century. In the spirit of the sensationalist Xtreme movement, American troops headed to the Persian Gulf should be issued new combat fatigues that will sport bright-possibly neon-colours, spandex material, and easily-identifiable team "logos" on every face, just like sports jerseys. These cosmetic enhancements will allow soldiers to be considerably more visible for the cameras that will be set up around the battlefield, so that every moment of "in-your-face" machine gun fire can be delivered to you via direct satellite feed.

Teams & the Scoreboard

What kind of a name is "26th Marine Expeditionary Unit" anyway? The u.s. Military has been begging for some creative name changes for the last 50 years, and now is the time to oblige. Rename those same Marines the 'Maniax,' give them neon orange jerseys, and not only do you have something marketable but you have a team, which would be the new organizational mainstay for the American armed forces!

To satisfy the human competitive urge, we'll also introduce a new element to the combat of Xtreme Warfare: the score. Teams (formerly units) will compete in categories such as Enemies Killed, Enemies Captured, Objectives Taken, and Style. Points will be awarded on a one-for-one basis for the first three categories, and a panel of judges shall award style points to teams based on how stylishly and in what Xtreme, daring fashion their members manage to seize objectives and massacre the Iraqi Republican Guard. When combat operations begin, satellite viewers in the States will be able to access a 24-hour scoreboard that will feature up-to-the-minute reports on the current standings. Ratings will rocket to dominate prime time, and the whole operation will pay for itself. Brilliant!

The Finale

As befits Xtreme Warfare, we've already planned grand finale, a gala event that will involve a "Final Death" playoff between top teams in the heart of downtown Baghdad, where the targets are plentiful and the heat is on! Best yet, the finale will feature an aerobatic "Amish Rake Fight" between Presidents Bush and Hussein over Baghdad while the two are being dangled from circling helicopters. Entertainment at its best, fair readers, coming to you this February upon commencement of the invasion of Iraq!

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Comments

I can't beleive you actually got my brother wearing that. It's sort of sacriligious towards the flag, isn't it? Anywho, fun times all around. Even I enjoyed this article, and I'm in the U of A. Keep it up.

In my defence, I'm just putting the clip in the gun... I'm not stablizing the gun by holding the clip...that would be wrong.

But the clip mount on an M16 is decidedly not located in the barrel grip, nor should one's finger be in the trigger position when swapping mags!