Opinions

Throwing a handgranade at the crotch of journalism

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Johnnie Cochran is a worthy role model for the journalistic community. Hacks and charlatans should note that Cochran mastered the elusive art of stating the obvious long ago. "If the glove don't fit, you must acquit"-is perhaps the finest example of shooting your problem right between the eyes.

Having nothing original or awe-inspiring to write about this week, I'll state the obvious a couple of times too. Might as well do it-all the cool kids are.

The People demand copy and how can one gain respect unless one writes week in and week out? I've got a wife to come home to, a mistress to spoil and 12 ugly children screaming for grub. But I can support them all, you see. Doubts? Just watch me.

First off, terrorism is bad. Those terrible Arabs, Irish and neo-Nazis should stop it right now. Harming innocent people can't possibly solve their problems, it only creates new ones.

The Middle East is a complicated region. Its history and ethnic makeup make it somewhat unstable and Jerusalem is especially complicated because it is significant to members of three major religions.

It's too bad there isn't more money for education in the province of Alberta. It would be nice to have more money for health care too.

America's foreign policy often seems hypocritical. Supporting terrible dictators to keep the world safe for democracy? Seems kind of wrong, doesn't it?

R.Kelly's "You remind me of my Jeep" is the defining love song of the 1990s.

Shaq is a good player, but Kobe's pretty good too. However, they play different positions so it's hard to say who's better overall.

Something's afoot in Washington, D.C. The whole Enron thing stinks like 10 Watergates and 12 piles of manure.

All the sex and violence on television can't be good for kids. Parents should take care and explain to their young ones that the only real violence on TV is CNN.

Driving under the influence of alcohol is dangerous. Calling a cab or taking the bus is a lot smarter than getting paralyzed or killing a family in a minivan.

Germans make damn fine automobiles.

The economy is not doing as well as it was a year ago. Maybe lowering interest rates can turn bear into bull?

The Canadian right is struggling because its support is divided between the Canadian Alliance and the Progressive Conservatives. Unless one drives the other out of business we'll have a Liberal Prime Minister for years to come.

Valentine's Day is a Hallmark sham and the true spirit of Christmas can be measured in dollars and cents.

Cloning people seems wrong.

Ebonics isn't a language.

Russia is big.

I don't have any kids.

There. My kids have been fed.

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