Humour

    
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  Humour
September 25, 2013
  Gamers duped by release of kinder GTAPDF files may take a moment to load

Late last Monday, gamers took a short break from running over the homeless and stealing jet-packs from military bases to descend upon the world’s media-peddlers in order to be the first to get their hands on Grand Theft Auto V.

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September 18, 2013
  Student’s sandwich stolen by eaglePDF files may take a moment to load

On the afternoon of Sept. 14, fourth-year geophysics major Cayleb Graves had his lunch stolen from him by a large bird of prey. His sandwich, which had only just been purchased from Subway, was reportedly plucked out of his hands and carried away in the talons of the bird.

“I was just about to take a huge bite out of my spicy Italian sub, when I heard this terrifying shrieking sound,” Graves said. “Next thing I know my sandwich was gone, and an eagle was flying away with a sandwich in its talons. With my sandwich.”

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September 04, 2013
  Student hospitalized from too much school spiritPDF files may take a moment to load

Orientation Week 2013 has already claimed its first victim. First-year nursing student Sarah Beth Duncan was hospitalized Wednesday after suffering too much school spirit. The new student was taking part in orientation week activities when she collapsed and started seizing late Wednesday afternoon, after meeting the Students’ Union. Duncan was rushed to the Foothills Hospital, where doctors say that she is in critical condition.

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February 14, 2013
  ‘Hive-mind’ gene found in womenPDF files may take a moment to load

Scientists at the Centre for Applied Genomics in Toronto have discovered a gene in women that influences the sex’s actions. The cogitari alvarium gene has also been found in species exhibiting collective behaviour.


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October 05, 2012
  Student Gangnam-styles off TFDLPDF files may take a moment to load

This past Tuesday, University of Calgary student Thomas Milley fell from the second floor of the Taylor Family Digital Library while dancing Gangnam-style. Onlookers were both terrified and unsure as to whether Milley’s fall was part of his bizarre moves. Milley suffered minor injuries.


“Gangnam Style” is a popular song by Korean artist Psy. Uploaded onto YouTube two months ago, the video has since received over 1.5 million views. The song features cameos from Korean celebrities, and is hugely popular in the West.


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October 04, 2012
  Reason for Tim Hortons lineup discoveredPDF files may take a moment to load

A student at the University of Calgary has offered an explanation for why he joins the Tim Hortons lineup when it is the longest one in the food court. The phenomenon of students queuing in not one, but two, Tim Hortons lineups has baffled U of C researchers for years. Studies show it also baffles anyone not addicted to Tim Hortons.


“I feel enlightened. It’s like meditating,” third-year biology student Frank Mason said, explaining why he joined a line over 20 people long. “I really just love standing in line.”


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September 06, 2012
  Girl dumps boyfriend because of Taylor Swift songPDF files may take a moment to load

A student at the University of Calgary has dumped her “perfectly good and gentlemanly” boyfriend after listening to Taylor Swift’s new pop song, “We Are Never Ever Getting Back Together.”

History major Sophie Collins, who is going into her third year this fall, told the Gauntlet, “He was like, a really good guy, but, like, I listened to that song over and over, because, like, it’s so catchy. And so I dumped him. I felt compelled.”

Collins said the song, released Aug. 14, made breaking up sound like, “just so much fun.”

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October 24, 2002
  Television worth watchingPDF files may take a moment to load

Despite the grumbling of the entire world, United States President George W. Bush is preparing to usher in a new era of terrorist-free peace and prosperity by waging an aggressive war against Saddam Hussein. While others cry foul, however, I say, "Bully!" Good on ya George Junior! The globe can certainly benefit from one less moustachioed mass-murderer and his diabolical little nuggets of nuclear-capable evil.

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