Fearing regime change through force, the Gauntlet held its free and democratic elections on the first day of war in Iraq.
"I will not leave the office!" screamed a triumphant Lawrence Bailey, who won the Editor-in-Chief election by one vote. "I will also tell my sons to stay put!"
Other candidates were not so lucky.
"I guess I'll have to concentrate on killing horses for glue," said Nicole Kobie, who came in second. "I will get my degree, go out to stud, and enter the adhesives business.