My penis, my world

By Collin Gallant

The human body is beautiful. So is a meter-long penis as thick as a can of Chunky soup. Don’t worry good reader, all will be explained.

A new Puritanism has set in, best exemplified by seemingly unrelated stories that have appeared in the news this past week. This new Puritanism plays upon the most ugly and superstitious ideas in our enlightened society.

Case one

In an article full of double entendre, the public was recently informed of a mess at the United Nations surrounding a gift it received of a life-sized statue of a bull elephant. The statue, made by casting a real tranquilized elephant, was so realistic its penis nearly touched the ground.

“It will frighten the children,” one UN official was overheard to remark, recommending emasculation for the four-tonne bronze statue.

Frighten? I think the official is confusing his words. I think he meant to say “amuse.”

Not only is this is a work of art that should not be censored or changed in any way, emasculating the elephant is akin to putting trousers on Michelangelo’s “David” or that harebrained scheme cooked up a few years ago to clothe “The Family of Man” (the group of nude statues that occupy the courtyard of the Calgary Public Board of Education building downtown). Whose life will be ruined by seeing an elephant’s privates? Elephants have gigantic penises. Deal with it.

I thought it would have been obvious. The elephant is the largest land mammal on earth; basic deduction leads to certain conclusions. The female elephant’s vagina, by the way, is cavernous.

Case two

After a football game two Sundays ago, I heard a radio announcer offer his “cure” for the problem of naked people running onto the field during half-time: a $10,000 fine. The exorbitant fine-which would be four times greater than fines for drunk driving-assumes that the deviants (streakers) are obviously getting some sort of weird thrill out of exposing themselves. These people are like loaded weapons. If anybody sees a naked person running along the 50 yard line in sub-freezing weather, they will collapse into a state of moral ambivalence leading to an orgy in the stands or be scarred to the point of plucking out thine eyes. Give me a break.

A man who streaks at a football game is expressing his joy in an unencumbered, full-body kind of celebration. He is not getting any of his kinky sex jollies.

This man is not the same man who drops his pants in a school yard-who actually does scare children.

Case three

People are shocked that Katarina Witt posed nude for Playboy. You must have suspected she had mammary glands. I think we all had an idea of their basic dimensions before she removed the veil of mystery that surrounded them; namely her tiny, tight, low-cut figure skating outfit. To actually see them is redundant.

Case four

Self-appointed morality watchdog, Calgary Herald weekend columnist Juliana Thiessen wrote on Nov. 15 that sexual education gives kids the impression that they should be having sex. I encourage you to read it for yourselves. She implies that:

1) People are hypnotized by sensual advertising.

2) People who have sex are unworthy of respect.

3) The less teens know about safe sex the better.

The basic underlying message is that when teens see, or even hear, about sex, they become convinced that they must have sex. To remedy this we must tell them offer and offer again not to have sex. That will surely stop them.

A letter in support of Thiessen asked in all seriousness: “Could [sex ed.] actually be a clever and subtle conspiracy to slowly ruin a country from the inside by corrupting and demoralizing youth (drugs would fall into this category) instead of weapons and war?”

What the fuck is the letter writer talking about? Who is she alluding to? Atheists? Devil worshippers? The Russians back with a vengeance? Will we become too interested in bumping uglies to man the missile silos? Will we be overrun by hairy-backed actors and teenage prostitutes?

The sooner we all realize that there are two basic sets of “thingys” in humans, or nature for that matter, the better. Of these two types the only real variance is that they come in different sizes. Sexual organs are not wellsprings of evil. Humans, unlike the beasts of the field, have the capacity to control their own sex drive.

The elephant, by the way, is still as much of an elephant as he ever was. Thank God.

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