Thy Will Be Froshed

By Fred Moreno

Attention First Year Students:

Welcome to the glorious University of Calgary, Home of the Dinos and other such ancient reptilian carnivorous beasts (or, as they like to call themselves, the Board of Governors). Now that you’re here, you probably think that the tedious cliques and try-hardism of high school are over and done with, that you’ve finally made it to the “real world,” that here you will learn the skills and techniques that you will apply to your chosen vocation, and that you’ll meet hot chicks/guys that have slightly more intelligence than your average intestinal parasite (or as they like to be called, SU Executive Member”). Well, sonny, it ain’t gonna happen. If you don’t withdraw from at least two courses in your first semester, become an alcoholic, and try to fit in with other preppy pre-meds (or whatnot) more than ever, I’ll come to school naked. Ya.

We apologize for shattering your preconceptions, for pilfering (that means steal, by the way) your euphoria (and that means happiness), for pissing on your parade, but we here at Academic Probation, the “humor” section of the paper, take it upon ourselves to reveal the ugly truth that belies the candy-coated existence of most tiny people such as yourselves.

But don’t worry, there’s more. We’re going to faze you and daze you with hazing the likes of which even the Airborne Regiment has not seen. We’ll make you into our own personal foot puppets, and you’ll beg for mercy so loudly that you’ll wake up Helen Keller.

By now you’re probably saying, “Why? Why must you perpetuate the eternal hatred against frosh? You were once on the receiving end yourselves! End the vicious cycle, for the love of God!” To this we say: darn right, we were on the receiving end once, and now it’s your turn. The wedgies, the eggs, the whole nine yards of being dragged by the hair. By the way, on all those teacher evaluations they had us fill out, we made certain to give the crappy profs a great rating, just so you’d get them next year.

Why do we do it? Because it’s open season, baby. Because we’re AP, and that’s what we do. Because it’s what the public wants. Because we can.

Keep reading throughout the year for more subversive, yet amusing, shenanigans.

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