In keeping with the upcoming bank holiday "Gift-o-Gasm"–which some fools still call "Christmas"–the Gauntlet editorial board would like to hand out hypothetical gifts this year to our friends and neighbours in the University of Calgary community. Warning: No actual gifts will be given out. This is strictly therapeutic.
To the Students’ Union: A brand new Canadian Oxford dictionary with the word "union" highlighted on page 1153 and the word "corporation" highlighted on page 211. Perhaps they can spend the holidays studying the subtle differences between the two words.
To Toby White: A new last name–how’s von Rundstedt? Our news writers have a devil of a time distinguishing you from Dr. White in stories that quote both of you. A change to your last name will save us heartache and hundreds of words in the upcoming semester. You’ll also benefit in untold ways from adopting a glamorous German last name.
To Terry White: A brand new bath towel, with which you can mop the sweat from your head that must have come from narrowly dodging a meeting with the Presidential review committee. Also, a metallic purple VW beetle for your retirement.
To Administration: Sympathy. We know you have a tough job. The government treats you like chumps one moment, and students call you incompetent the next. Here’s to
finding a chest full of gold bullion in an abandoned Administration hallway.
To the University of Calgary Faculty Association: A key to Ralph Klein’s treasury and a dump truck to fill with money to pay your members.
To one or two servers in Max’s: A book entitled "Service with a Smile: How to End All Comparisons Between the Service at your Establishment and the Service at a Typical French Café."
To the Dino Women’s Hockey Team: A reversal of the University of Alberta’s… I mean, the CIAU’s decision to restrict club players from playing for the Dinos as well.
To parking services: A fleet of shiny new SUVs. Wait a second…
To George Thompson and Peter Fraser: What do you give the men who closed the Den? We propose a mason jar filled with the salty tears of thousands of U of C students whose lives were ripped in half upon the bar’s closure. An alternate suggestion is new shoes so when they hang their heads in shame (as they surely do) they will have something pretty to look at.
To the Cho Family: A new store in Mac Hall with twice the floor space and half the rent.
To CJSW: A shiny new transmitter and a note from the city saying it’s OK to put it wherever you like, at whatever wattage you like.
To NUTV: Primetime airtime and a bigger office. And haircuts for all of you.
To all campus clubs: New office space double or triple in size to the pleasure-dome that will be the new SU office, replete with a hot tub, ruby-encrusted chandeliers and caviar bar–all paid for through SU salary cuts.
To Gauntlet readers: Hmm… what to get the people who already have everything… to all Gauntlet readers, we wish you good luck on final exams. Also, whether you’re observing Christmas, Kwanzaa, Hanukkah, Ramadan, or simply celebrating a month off school in which to shop, shop, shop, we wish you all the best and hope to see you back here refreshed in 2001.