Bizzaro Sports: Vanhoorens pull a fast one

By Lawrence Bailey

Deep from the Gauntlet’s disturbing archives is the first Bizzaro sports story. Please note, however, this is all made-up. The people in this story are real, but their actions and words are not. The purpose of this is humour so please take it as such. And to coach Vanhooren, his brother, Chris Harris and Whit Hornsberger: thank you in advance for taking this for what it should be–a hilarious parody of your existence.

-Gauntlet Sports Staff

     Late-season replacement Dale Vanhooren came off the bench to score 49 points as the Dinos managed a 121-35 rout of the University of Victoria last Sunday. After a string of injuries to Dinos starters, the twin brother of Head Coach Dan Vanhooren was in the zone.

"It was incredible!" exclaimed awestruck fan Ernie Astete. "He knew the offence so well… it was almost like he designed the plays himself."

Vanhooren, naturally a small forward, played point guard all game and seemed to be in control of the timeouts, his brother silently letting him run the show. Coach Vanhooren refused comment, but rookie point guard Whit Horns-berger had some venting to do.

"Well, sure I saw his great game; I had a great view of it all from the bench," exclaimed a miffed Hornsberger. "But I guess I can’t talk about it to you guys, the cat can’t get out of the bag."

The weekend victory is a welcome change after 12 straight losses saw the Dinos plummet down the Canada West standings. However, the divisions were too deep and the club too unhappy for something not to be afoot–suspicions confirmed by center Chris Harris over a couple pitchers of beer at Max’s.

"This is off the record, right?" asked the always trusting Harris without receiving a reply.

"Here’s the deal," he continued. "We’re in a tight battle for the last couple of spots, so coach had a plan. When I got hurt, we needed to fill a few holes so a light bulb went on in coach’s head. If he recruited his twin, they could pull the old switcheroo. I mean, coach schools us at every practice anyway, he shoots the lights out… as you saw tonight."

A brilliant plan for sure, one can only wonder how far it will take them.

The Vanhoorens are back this weekend as the Dinos take on the Harlem Globetrotters in exhibition action.

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