Read this shit

By Obsolete Old Man

The Gauntlet tier one elections are over and none of you ungrateful students care. I mean… we thank you for your continued readership.

Once the thick clouds of black-tar heroin smoke cleared (in a bizarre take-off of the papacy selection) on March 14, Michael Leung was crowned victorious as Gauntlet Editor-in-Chief and Ruth Davenport was pronounced News Editor.

Rumours that Leung pursued EIC to avoid a backslide into a life of pharmacy-break-ins and car stereo theft could not be confirmed at press time.

"Bullshit," belched an obviously drunk Leung as he stuffed a honey-glazed ham into his slavering gullet.

Davenport offered no apologies for a campaign that included free steak, juggling clowns and aggressive television advertising

EIC hopefuls Nicole Kobie and Kris Kotarski paused long enough from a LSD-addled game of twister to offer thoughts on the election.

"I like to boogie," said a sweat-soaked Kobie as she suddenly began to dance frantically–in an outfit made entirely out of pleather. "SAAN has the best pleather products," she added extremely aggressively.

Kotarski was melancholy. "Child labour gets a bad reputation and globalization leads to relaxed environmental standards, which are great for the GNP," he beamed. "Capital punishment is fantastic and children need a good whippin’ twice a week." He then passed out and–nearly instantly–wet his pants.

"My boyfriend doesn’t have a thyroid," lamented News Editor hopeful Natalie Sit. "Science is a sham," she added in a completely unrelated quote. Or is it an unrelated quote? Find out two weeks from now when we run another story you, our faithful readers, could give two shits about.

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