U of C Auction goodness

By Mary Chan

University of Calgary President Terry White is taking a page from recent entertainment headlines to solve chronic university underfunding. Inspired by Ricky Martin, White began auctioning personal articles of clothing online Tuesday.

"I read in the paper that Ricky Martin got over $4,000 for his pants," explained White, who is auctioning off a pair of Dockers. "That’s one entire student’s tuition!"

When informed that he does not command a fan-base as extensive as music superstar Martin, White shrugged.

"I am certain I am capable of shaking my bon-bon just as well as that upstart Martin," he insisted. "Do you want to see?"

Following Dr. White’s example, the U of C Students’ Union also put several items up for sale, though with certain variations. President-elect Barb Wright is auctioning off SU secrets.

"I’m up to a nickle a page," she declared proudly, refuting accusations that this compromises the SU’s integrity. "I hear CSIS sells stuff to Stockwell Day all the time."

Not all student leaders, however, are open to the idea. SU Vice-president External Duncan Wojtaszek refused to put his nearly empty bottle of Smirnoff™ vodka up for bid.

"It’s mine!" he snarled, clutching it protectively while gnashing his teeth. "I’ll kill you if you take it!"

Wojtaszek was last seen checking into a detox centre on the sixth floor of the Library Tower.

The auction concept was so popular with the university’s Board of Governors that it decided to put the entire university on the block.

"Dr. White is only thinking short-term," said BoG spokesperson Bob North. "This move has the long-term interests of the corporation in mind."

"We were hoping to attract desperate evil dictatorships who want to use the campus as a headquarters for world domination," North added. "But Starbucks wasn’t interested."

According to North, the starting bid for the U of C is $2.8 billion Cdn "and a lock of the Pope’s hair."

"We expect to attract a lot of offers," he added.

The auction site for the Students’ Union can be found at <<www.su.ucalgary.ca/~buyme>>. As of April 11, SU representatives were selling one pair of jeans, five baseball caps, an elder brother, a turncoat (used twice), SU secrets and three ulcers. Oddly, no souls were available.

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