The University of Calgary sent shockwaves across the nation Wednesday by announcing they have signed an exclusivity contract with Conservatism, in exchange for an undisclosed sum. Such a deal–tying a public institution to a specific political ideology in exchange for cash–is unprecedented in Canada.
"We’re thrilled to announce our new partnership with the forces of the right," said U of C spokesperson Thomas Atkins, uncharacteristically dressed in a white stetson, large gold crucifix, and jeans which appeared to be painted-on. "Such an agreement will bring increased financial stability to this institution and benefit all members of the university community."
Coughing lightly, he added, "Except for homosexuals."
Indeed, while the financial terms are to be kept confidential, certain conditions attached to the deal were announced at Wednesday’s news conference. "Public affection," "dialogue" and "environmental concern" join homosexuality as behaviours no longer to be tolerated on campus, acts described as "repellent" by Conservatism spokesman Gert Brown.
"Yeah, so we can’t have any more of that stuff happening here," shuddered Brown. "Say goodbye to all that nancy-boy crap. Theatre, dancing, wind or string instruments… they’re all gone, too."
The 10-year contract will necessitate sweeping changes in several Arts faculties, including the substitution of batik for nude modelling in all art classes, the cessation of all biology courses related in any way to evolutionary theory and the banishment of approximately 50 million "obscene" novel titles from the english curriculum alone. A book burning is scheduled for Fri., June 29 at McMahon Stadium for which students are asked to bring all books the U of C will no longer tolerate. The list, numbering approximately half a billion titles, can be viewed in the library or on the U of C Web site, and attendance is mandatory.
"Ethan Frome, Jane Eyre, the Koran… smut like this has no place in the halls of learning," stated U of C President Jerry White. "This deal will stop us from further sinking into the moral cesspool characterized by my administration, previous to today."
The vast majority of the U of C community is in rabid support of the deal.
"Sweet Jesus!" cried economics professor Gerhard von Zeppelin. "I was just told my budget has tripled, and I’m finally allowed to teach in Imperial again. This is the greatest day of my life!"
"Well, I like this deal plenty," added Dean of Management John Smith. "Although, to be honest, this doesn’t change things for my faculty one bit."
White added that he especially looks forward to three changes that will arise as a result of this contract–his new U of C-bought Chevy Yukon, the replacement of the caretaking staff with children from the U of C daycare, and clause 17(b) which gives final edits in the Gauntlet, the U of C student newspaper, to Administration.
"It’s about time we wrested control of the student voice from those stinky, tax-lovin’ pinkos," said an obviously delighted Atkins. "Don’t worry, we’re bringing back Family Circus and Fred Basset to their rightful place on the comics page."
None could be found on campus to oppose the deal.
"I fundamentally [am in support of] this deal," moaned Philosophy professor Nigel Hawthorne. "It’s just a [super-duper] deal. Has it come to this [as it should have]? I, for one, want to [celebrate]."
"Holy [is the Lord]!" stated shocked English professor Penny Wilson. "You’ve got to be [not] joking. This deal, if true, is fucking [wonderful] and will just go to further entrench this university’s [marvellous] reputation."
The deal comes into effect immediately.