By Bob North
After five long years of delays and setbacks, the MacEwan Hall expansion project at the University of Calgary has finally come to a close.
The project, known on campus as the Mac Hall saga or the neverending story, has been compared to the building of St. Peter’s Cathedral–a project which took decades to complete and sparked numerous scandals, culminating in violent upheaval of Western European society now known as the Protestant Reformation.
However, omniscient SU entity Nick Beefo argues that this is an unfair comparison. "Hey, it only took us five years to get this baby built, from start to finish," Beefo said. "We didn’t start any wars, nobody was excommunicated from the Students’ Union and Mac Hall has indoor plumbing." Beefo then demonstrated the five-to-10 second attention span so typical of the SU by adding, "and the presidents don’t have the cool hat like the Pope does. That hat be pimpin’, especially with the cane."
The building’s completion caught many on campus by surprise. KANA spokesman Conn Crete declined a formal interview.
"Quite frankly, we didn’t do it. Although I personally suspect an alien intelligence is at work here, like in that movie Batteries Not Included, I have been instructed not to comment on this matter." Crete quickly added: "This is off the record, right? I don’t want CSIS to know I’m on to their little scheme."
SU President Barb Rite was visibly dishevelled on Tuesday during an interview with the Gauntlet.
"I just got here this morning, and there it was. I’m totally flabbergasted," stammered Rite, adding, "umm, of course I knew that it was going to be done on time, it was just a, umm, pleasant surprise to find it was completed ahead of schedule."
James Hoffa, spokesperson for the Construction Workers’ Union local 403, held a press conference on Tuesday.
"The membership have been working a lot harder on the new Den since they realized that they would have to finish the job before they could get a drink on campus. But I just don’t see how you could possibly finish the whole thing overnight, even if you didn’t take coffee breaks. I suspect that they may have brought in a large team of illegal foreign scabs to finish the job, and the union has no choice but to take this issue to the Labour Relations Board.
Jen Erik, manager of the relocated International Drug Test Centre, feigned indifference, saying, "Enh. I was actually relieved to get a change of scenery. Plus, the move gave us a chance to clean up the office and get rid of some stuff we’d been hanging on to from the ’88 Olympics."
The SU offices were hit by another shockwave on Wednesday morning, when the final bill indicated that the project had come in $3 million under budget. None of the SU executive were able to explain this anomaly, as they were all so overcome with emotion that they were unable to stop crying and hugging each other.
And the peasants rejoiced.