Don’t collect this POG

By Jonathan Durant

I know that it may be too early in the year for thought-provoking dilemmas, but here goes. I was thinking of Christmas and the thoughtless, crappy gifts people give. One such gift is Pot of Gold chocolates. But before I get to that, allow me some odd observations about this curious product.

I recently saw a box and noticed something I hadn’t noticed before. On the box, there is that girl holding a box of Pot of Gold. Well, if you look closely, you will see that on the box the girl is holding is another girl holding another box. Then you look at that box and there is another girl holding a box.

There they are, just girl after girl holding that box of chocolates, going deeper and deeper into the picture. Where are they going? No one knows. It’s the Pot of Gold mystery.

Here is another thing. When you open the Pot of Gold box, the first thing you see is the map: a detailed sketch showing you where all the different kinds of chocolates are. But what would stop someone from opening the box first and rearranging all the chocolates, thus making the map more useless than chairs at a Limp Bizkit concert? Think about it, you might think you have the chocolate-covered almond, when you really have the cherry-filled piece. Imagine your reaction when you bite into that chocolate, thinking it’s the almond. Your gag reflex would immediately send the chewed-up gob of chocolate mush across the room, narrowly missing your cat and finally landing in a half finished glass of juice. As it briefly floats in the glass before slowly sinking to the bottom, you would find yourself plotting your revenge on the little shit who committed this unthinkable deed.

Seriously then, is a chocolate worth this much? Think of all the pain and suffering it causes; do you really want to unleash it on others? With all these questions in mind, why are these chocolates still one of the most common gifts for any occasion? House warmings for people you don’t like very much, funerals, Ramadan (after fasting for months, they’ll eat anything), hirings and firings are all reasons to give Pot of Gold.

Soon enough, people will see the horrors of these chocolates and do one of the following. They will either collect every box, take them to the central factory, dump gasoline on them and set it on fire; or they’ll start a counselling group, where people can come together and help each other through the pain.

So there you have it folks. The mystery of Pot of Gold chocolates. They continue to plague this planet, lurking in grocery stores and under Christmas trees throughout the world. No one knows how it started, but one thing is certain: it has to end somewhere. Stop the insanity: give gift certificates, clothing or even black socks–anything to stop the spread of Pot of Gold. And if you’re one of the sick people who buy Pot of Gold chocolates for yourself, either because you like the suspense of trying all the different candies, or you actually enjoy them, then you are one strange, twisted individual.

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