Martha Stewart: Living?

By Jonathan Durant

This week, with the departure of the Christmas season for another year, we look at a very unique woman, a woman who has taught us about the “good things” in life. Pots and pans become nervous whenever this lady enters a room. The very mention of her name sends normally calm craft supplies running for the hills with the scissors in tow. She is dirt’s arch-nemesis, filled with an ego that could rival God’s. So who is this “renaissance woman?” None other than America’s own Martha Stewart. Few have considered where Martha came from, but we at the Gauntlet have uncovered some rumours.

Secretly the love child of Johnson and Johnson, Martha had a troubled upbringing. As soon as the media caught wind of what happened, things went awry between her parents, and Martha (whose real name is Mindy Jacobsen) was caught in the middle.

She was surreptitiously dashed away to an orphanage where she spent the next year of her life. The staff tried desperately to find Martha a home as soon as possible because she just wasn’t fitting in. Whenever they turned their backs, she would bend the forks into napkin holders and steal the other children’s clothing to make drapes and bed linens. She was finally adopted by a self-absorbed, obsessive-compulsive, mentally unstable single woman who taught Martha the skills that make her an annoyance to the rest of the world.

Things apparently continued to go from bad to worse for Martha. There was never a time when she wasn’t trying to clean or cook something. At the age of eight, she even tried to clean the green from the grass because it didn’t complement the colour of the cement sidewalk. That same year, she tried to roast a stuffed English pheasant in an Easy Bake Oven, which wound up being a mistake. The pheasant became quite hot, and the immense pressure on the oven and the bird itself caused it to shoot out of the oven. The shock from this near-miss is said to be responsible for her unsettling smile.

Undaunted, Martha trudged on. She graduated from high school with a 500 per cent average in home economics. From there she went off to university, thinking she could do the same thing, only to find that home ec. was not a recognized major. So, she dropped out of school and headed for the horizon.

The next 25 years were a blur and since her police record is sealed, we can only speculate that she found some way to survive. Insiders tell of a period when Martha was snorting Mr. Clean daily and supported her habit through mischief. One story has her visiting a local kindergarten and berating the youngsters over the crafts they were making.

"She walked in calling us amateurs," remembers Marcus Tripper, now 17. "She ripped the yarn and glue from our hands. She yelled at one girl, ‘That’s not right at all you little %$#@! Who do you think you are?’ We wondered why the teacher wasn’t doing anything but Martha had already tied her up and glued her lips shut. We were scared, so we gave her our crafts and she re-did them all."

Martha then bottomed out, and started picking up the pieces. After the kindergarten incident, she checked herself into rehab. Cured of her "Mr. C" dependency, Martha looked to build a career from her ruined life.

Years later, after several failed attempts to become a French maid, she turned to her other passion: broadcasting. She headed to the headquarters of ABC and asked for an appointment with the president. After being thrown out, she tried again. This went on for months. After a stalking incident, the president of ABC finally agreed to meet with her. After a short meeting, Martha redecorated the president’s house to prove her ability. After she finished, she promised not to use this incident as blackmail against the president’s wife, and he gave Martha her own show.

She dedicated her show to cooking and craft-making, and made an entire generation of women feel inadequate. The show boomed, as parents tuned in by the millions to keep up with the neighbours. Martha went from a complete burnout who would do anything for just one more hit of sweet Mr. C to a successful TV star. Fan support grew by leaps and bounds, although they were mostly middle-aged homemakers who were so tortured by their own kids, Martha was like a blessing in disguise. They gladly sat in front of their TVs and learned how to make toilet paper from recycled cardboard if it meant time where they weren’t being pulled limb from limb by their little rapscallions.

So Martha made it: she had fame, money, and her own magazine, "Martha Stewart Living." But there was still one thing missing: true love. This would stay missing for quite some time, which most human beings are quite happy about. Can you imagine a litter of Martha Stewarts?

From that little girl who once kicked a teacher in the shins for running out of doilies, Martha has come a long way. She worked her way up fame’s ladder and pretty much reached the top. What does the future hold for Martha Stewart? No one knows.

One thing is certain: Martha will continue to be the nuisance she always has been, spouting off her knowledge on so-called "good things," creating crafts that NASA engineers would need help with, and growing her own herbs.

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