The official AP stress test

By Anna Chan

Student morale is dropping rapidly while the work keeps piling up. Constant hair pulling has even prompted the university to start counselling groups. However, to save yourself some money, here is a simple solution. Take this quiz. It’s cheaper and less time consuming than professional therapy. So sit back, procrastinate and stress about life later. Don’t forget to use an HB pencil.

1. At night you dream about:

a) Fuzzy bunnies and flowers.

b) Your professors (seek profesional help immediately).

c) You have to sleep before you can dream.

d) Sleeping in class.

2. You start studying for exams:

a) When you register for the class.

b) Progressively as readings are assigned.

c) The night before.

d) Study? Never heard of it.

3. Your pencil case contains:

a) Two sharpened HB pencils with fully intact erasers, a mechanical pencil, a black pen, a blue pen, a red pen, a highlighter, a ruler with both inches and centimeters, a Staedtler eraser, and a calculator.

b) A pen or two and a cheap mechanical pencil.

c) I have a pen in my pocket…

d) A GameBoy.

4. You spend most of your time:

a) Learning a sixth language.

b) In the library.

c) In your textbooks, asleep.

d) With your head in a beer pitcher.

5. In your spare time you:

a) Read the phone book.

b) Re-write your notes.

c) Breathe.

d) Hey, it’s all spare time.

6. Every morning finds you:

a) Skipping to school.

b) Running for the bus.

c) Driving in reverse down Crowchild.

d) Waking up in the afternoon.

7. Your textbooks are:

a) Summarized onto index cards for easy memorization.

b) Marked with those nifty tabs from Post-It.

c) Propping up the coffee table.

d) Still at the Bookstore.

8. You and your friends:

a) Have weekly decoupage parties.

b) Hold study sessions.

c) Haven’t seen each other or the light of day since 1993.

d) Re-enact Simpsons episodes around the campfire.

9. Your meals resemble:

a) A 10-course extravaganza, Ethiopian style.

b) Instant noodles.

c) I have a 24-hour IV hooked up. I’m fine.

d) An all you can eat buffet from your parents’ refrigerator.

10. You’re taking this quiz:

a) While eating lunch.

b) While waiting for the bus.

c) In class.

d) During an exam.

11. You view this quiz as:

a) An informative guide to life.

b) A temporary distraction from life.

c) Practice for multiple choice exams-Can I find more at the exam bank?

d) The most productive thing you’ll do today.

The Results:

If you answered D for more than two questions, it’s safe to say that you’re not a registered student of the University of Calgary-well, not a full-time one at least. And if you are, you’re on Academic Probation, right? Right?

For the rest of the answers, give yourself one point for each A, two points for each B and three points for each C.

0–11 points: Loosey Goosey

Okay, you’re either really flighty or so organized it’s sick. You have too much time on your hands and can’t even be considered a useful member of society. Perhaps you should consider running for the Students’ Union.

12–21 points: Efficient Elephant

You seem to have a good system down, but don’t forget to unwind just a bit. Being Post-It’s best customer is not something you can use on your resumé. Next time you’re in the library, play some games on your cell phone-with the game tones on.

22–31 points: Flailing Fish

How does it feel to be drowning in your own surroundings? Your last minute approach to school work seems to be killing you. So why are you still reading this? Put it down and study! Stop reading now. Really. Every word you read is one less per centage point you’ll get on your next exam. Fine, but don’t say you weren’t warned.

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