MJ, SU to Heal the Den

By Andrew Ross

Student drinkers can rest easy: the Student’s Union is making the Den a better place for you and for me.

The SU, which has been criticized for lax security measures at the campus bar, passed a motion earlier this month to create an agency to provide security at the Den, tentatively named "Sekürity." In accordance with SU tradition, there will be a "name the Sekürity" contest held next month, which is expected to come up with the final name "Sekürity."

In a recent development, a motion was passed at SLC this week to hire multi-platinum recording artist and ’80s icon Michael Jackson as the Sekürity Chïef. The motion was brought forward by SU Vice-President Events Chris Kerr.

"I was thinking we needed to make a change," said Kerr. "Any change has to start with the man in the mirror." Due to the layout of his bedroom, Kerr’s mirror reflects a sizeable poster of the pop legend.

"When I first heard [Kerr] suggest we hire Michael Jackson as Chïef of Sekürity, I thought he’d finally lost it," admitted SU President Barb Wright. "But when you really think about it, why not? He’s available, he has his own uniform, and he’s willing to do shift work. Plus, we can get him to do stage shows on slow nights."

Kerr concurred, adding, "I’m having posters for ‘Moonwalk Mondays with Michael’ printed up as we speak."

As enthusiastic as the SU executives and Den management are about their new employee, no one is more excited about the move than Jackson himself.

"I know the job is dangerous," said Jackson. "But I can handle it. I’m unbreakable. And don’t worry, Thursday [at the Den] will still be a thriller night under the new security measures."

Jackson found himself looking for work recently after it became evident that sales of his last album, Invincible, were dismally low. As a consequence of his burgeoning debt-which forced him to close his amusement park and give up his two siberian tigers to a Texas animal shelter for big cats-Jackson was forced to look at alternative sources of income.

"It turns out that once your credit goes sour, it really doesn’t matter if you’re black or white," explained Jackson.

Drawn to the Dominion of Canada by the favourable U.S. exchange rate, Jackson quickly discovered that one white glove does not provide sufficient warmth in the harsh Canadian winter. The appeal of not having to venture outdoors to get from home to work-Jackson will be living in rez-was a major factor in his decision to take the Sekürity job.

Now that he’s settled, Jackson has begun moving his wardrobe and make-up crews to Calgary, a process which is expected to take three to four weeks. In the meantime, Jackson offered Den patrons some advice.

"Remember to always think twice. If somebody else wants to be starting something, just beat it."

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