University mating rituals

By Neal Ozano

Ah, winter. The season where a young man’s heart turns to ass, and a young woman’s mind turns to hot, throbbing cock.

And where better to find both these things than right here on campus? With a happening bar, about 20 libraries, and piles and piles of soft, dark places, there’s no better Canadian campus to get it on.

Still having trouble? Can’t find a willing participant in your poker/pokee experiment? You’re probably not using the right lines. You see, there are two distinct species on campus: science students and arts students. First of all, these two species should not (and usually don’t) interbreed. And like two species of birds, these two species are attracted to different types of verbal plumage. First of all, you have the showy, totally useless plumage of the arts students. Phrases like “Post-modernism! Post-modernism!” attract members of this group, while the simpler, more factual phrases “Chromophore! Adenine! Tryptophan! Photosynthetic membrane holoprotein!” will have any member of the scientific species enamoured.

If only it were this simple. Once the ritual is initiated, there are entirely diVerent and essential techniques for follow-through to stage two of the university mating ritual. In the arts species, pairing of academic phrases, as a show of intellectual might, further stimulates the significant other. “Structuralist theory!” can safely be paired with “I’m re-examining Homer’s Odyssey using a post-modern structuralist scope, rather than tired old deconstructionism.”

Studies have shown conclusively that “The Dukes of Hazzard is pretty!” has a very low success rate in arts students-almost as low as “Steel sculpture looks like garbage welded together.” A more successful phrase in this case would be “I can see the character conflict in the welds.”

But what fails for one group often shines for another. In captive experiments, “The Dukes of Hazzard is pretty,” followed by “Oxidative phosphorylation pathway studies have found that blocking ethylene synthesis in Arabidopsis increases epinasty,” has truly “nasty” results, guaranteeing up to 50 per cent less clothes. Also acceptable in stage two are “I love thinking about math,” and “homework is pretty.”

The third stage sees a decided change in attitude, and the phrases become somewhat more succinct. For arts students (regardless of specialization), “Can I draw you?” is almost 100 per cent successful, since all participants assume both artist and subject will likely be nude at some point. “Can you help me finish my lab report?” is equally successful in the science species, since there is no higher goal in the science culture than passing the lab component at any cost. Careful scientists will avoid falling for the phrase “I’ll show you my genitals if you do my lab report,” because studies have shown that the actual showing percentage is less than 20. Most times, no gratification occurs at all.

By now, any half-decent, half-drunk specimens will be paired and departed, leaving only the truly desperate. The phrase set for phase four is the same for both groups. “Do you have your own apartment?” and “Have you ever watched two monkeys fuck?” are surprisingly successful, considering their irrelevance to either the arts or science field. Neither field is particularly put oV by the phrases “I’ll kiss you if I can stop barfing” or “I promise not to fall asleep” at this stage, and, during very late stage four, a hand gesture consisting of a fist passing through a circle of thumb and forefinger is enough to initiate something similar in experimental conditions.

Of course, there are many variations to these phrases. But, in all cases, single-word initiation is followed by “presenting” (revealing intellectual might), and this is followed by subtle innuendo loosely based in species-specific context. Stage four, if necessary, is just downright gross, but, in most cases, altogether too successful. So, use this information wisely, and remember: after finals, skip directly to stage four, because nobody gives a shit about that other stuV once school’s over.

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