By Andrew Ross
Well boys and girls, the school year is rapidly drawing to a close, and BSD is just around the corner. As a public service, we here at Academic Probation have compiled this short list of tips to ensure you have a safe and fun BSD. Follow this guide and not only will you have a good time, you’ll also make sure you’re still around for BSD next year. In other words, if you want to graduate this year, you should stop reading now.
Wear Bermuda shorts. Yes, it seems obvious, but this really is the most important rule of all. If you don’t own a pair of Bermuda shorts, buy some. It’s also a good idea to try and follow this suggestion all day long (or at least while you are in public.)
Get a wristband. If you wait until BSD to get your wristband, you’ll spend hours in line before you even get to the drink line–and nothing spoils a day of drunken debauchery like sobriety. There’s really no excuse for not following this rule, unless you don’t drink. But if you don’t drink, why are you even reading this?
Make arrangements. Checkstop won’t let you kill yourself or someone else, buses only run until midnight, and cabs are expensive. Either start sucking up to your car-owning, non-drinking friends now, or find a place within stumbling distance where you can pass out. If worse comes to worst, the Info Commons is open 24 hours–but only to those who do not spew projectile bodily fluids around the computers.
Stop procrastinating. Whatever you do, don’t leave any schoolwork to be done on BSD. I repeat, do not put yourself in the position of trying to do work on Tue., April 16, because it’s just not gonna happen.
Decide if you want to get laid. If yes, get condoms. If no, make sure to wear clothes that are difficult to remove, so that you won’t be able to take them off when you’re drunk.
Get Rez friends. On second thought, it’s probably a little late for that now, but keep it in mind for next year.
Wait ’til the sun is over the yardarm. That means don’t start drinking before 11 a.m. Let’s be honest: if you start before then, you’ll never last all day–and passing out mid-afternoon is not nearly as glamourous as it sounds.
Go to class. I’m not saying you shouldn’t get drunk on BSD, I’m just saying you shouldn’t let that prevent you from attending lectures. Even the most boring lecturer can be fascinating after as few as three beers.
Don’t piss off (or on) the law. Nobody wants to spend a night in the drunk tank. Plus the regular drunks don’t take too kindly to the Bermuda shorts-wearing drunks.
Don’t get caught doing drugs. Remember, drugs are illegal, so don’t even think about using them–if there’s anybody watching.
Use whatever you have left of your head. It’s okay to make an ass of yourself, but don’t be an asshole. Don’t pick fights, don’t grab people who don’t want to be grabbed, and absolutely do not steal someone else’s booze. This last one–although not a capital offence-will certainly earn you a special place in hell, along with Richard Simmons.