By Kyle Young
Have you ever noticed how the Devil is always portrayed in movies with a goatee? Or better yet, how every time a character meets his evil twin, he always has some form of facial hair? When one sits back and contemplates exactly what kind of people have traditionally sprouted such displays of fur, the inevitable conclusion arises that whiskers induce some form of deep-seated evil in all those who grow them.
This explains the appeal of the sideburn to the rebel type, who seeks desperately to be bad, though not necessarily evil, attaining a middle-ground of quasi-evil. It might surprise you when you see how well everything fits into this framework when turning this newfound perceptive ability of good and evil towards our own modern world.
Think of the Beatles, whose facial hair coincided with the arrival of Yoko Ono, the dark seed which eventually destroyed them. Think of Jim Morrison, whose own burly beard marked the commencement of his own downfall. Both serve as excellent examples of the power of the beard.
Upon further investigation, one discovers–as this editor did–how the force of the unshaven has influenced the course of human history with horrendous results. Starting with Atilla the Hun, the history of tyrants and butchers with facial hair goes back as far as records of facial hair growth do. Leading to Genghis Khan and to the vast majority of sinister men during the middle ages, we find that facial hair follows in the footsteps of evil right into the modern era.
Taking a look at our modern political landscape, we find that the beard has played a major role in maintaining the influence and stability of American power. Whether we like it or not, the American government essentially rules the world. Though this frustrates environmentalists, human rights groups and free-trade advocates the world over, it irritates the global thinking class even more. Knowing that a people widely viewed as slow and uninformed have somehow managed to wrest control from the world appears to be an utter paradox and source of endless confusion.
However, if we re-examine this fact under the light of our newfound insight, we see why this is the case. These days, the American people possess an instinct–not unlike that of the grazing animals of the Serengeti–which helps them avoid leaders with facial hair. Like most genetic quirks which prove to be beneficial, this instinct has successfully prevented the American people from electing anyone who might potentially bring the country to ruin. This instinct became especially acute after the Nixon presidency in response to his scheming and his shady looking five-o-clock shadow. This bizarre trait also manages to explain the failure of Al Gore to win the presidency over George W. Bush–the people could sense the urge in him to grow a beard.
Turning this powerful perceptive lens to another corner of the world, we could now resolve that Yasser Arafat is indeed a bad man, though it remains an open ended question as to whether or not Ariel Sharon may yet grow his whiskers in the coming years.
This theory completely blows away all of Saddam Hussein’s attempts at passing himself off as the innocent victim of American aggression. Consequently, this means that President Bush somehow perceived the sheer evilness of Hussein’s mustache clear across the globe, which only goes to show how finely tuned that American apprehension of facial hair truly is.
Clearly though, some explanation needs to be made for how seemingly decent people can grow facial hair. Is it that they possess some fundamental goodness and wholesomeness which allows them to overcome the evil forces of their facial hair? Or is it perhaps that they too are grotesque monsters and perversions of humanity who simply manage to hide it well? Perhaps we’ll never know.
For now though, we can at least take sensible precautions, and always keep an extra eye on those in our community with whiskers. Just remember to watch your back this winter when you next pass a Santa Claus.