Four lessons learned: A cautionaaary tale

By Confession #1

Alcohol can be among the world’s most evil devices. So can women. So can frat parties. When the three align in perfect (imperfect?) harmony, keep your head down and pray for mercy. This is the lesson learned by our Hero.

A wet behind the ears lad, a man–no, a boy–who had never been to a frat party made plans one Friday to meet a friend at a Dinos basketball game and pop his proverbial frat cherry. The night was looking good and our intrepid young Hero set out on an adventure, a night that, unbeknownst to him, would reveal four life lessons.

Lesson #1: Alcohol annihilates your resistance.

Long story short, our Hero’s friend was nowhere to be found. In the aftermath, his excuse would be food poisoning, but for the sake of this tale he was simply AWOL. So, after taking in the game–alone–he set off for the party–alone.

He arrived to a plethora of people he didn’t know and a handful he did, coworkers, one of whom had shown particular interest in him over the past month, an interest he did not share.

"Ten dollars, all you can drink," read the sign at the front door and our Hero was pleased as his coworkers continued to fill cup after cup for him at the keg. The Interested One kept flirting, and as time wore on he found it surprisingly more appealing.

Lesson #2: Alcohol makes bad ideas seem like good ones.

Time passed, and our Hero became so drunk that sitting down was his only option. There was a dearth of chairs, so the Interested One decided she would sit on his lap. There was more small talk and after a while, our Hero realized he was kissing the Interested One. He pondered whether he should stop or not, whether this might be a bad idea, but decided it would take too much work to weasel his way out of this one.

Lesson #3: Alcohol results in an inability to perform sexually.

The kissing progressed, and in snippets of broken chronology, the Hero was vaguely aware of walking into his house, discarding items of his clothing and the clothing of the Interested One at sporadic intervals while stumbling down to his basement bedroom.

The encounter must have been sloppy and somewhat rough, as the days that followed would reveal unsightly bruising and spilled drinks. Following a consultation with the Interested One the next morning however, our Hero learned he was physically unable to consummate this 12-hour relationship, unable to "seal the deal" if you will.

Lesson #4: Alcohol eliminates memory, for better or for worse.

Our Hero slowly opened his eyes the next morning. His head hurt, his eyelids were heavy and he was quite shocked to see the Interested One naked in his bed next to him. His mind raced, but only snippets of the previous evening remained. He didn’t recall coming home, nor did he remember the last few hours of the frat party. He couldn’t even remember what transpired with the Interested One in his bedroom. It was not a pleasant or settling morn for our Hero.

Our Hero has not heard the end of this evening, nor will he anytime soon. Ironically, the absentee friend with "food poisoning" is the one who most often lords it over him. However, he does not regret it, as it was a learning experience. That is why he has chosen to share his four lessons with all of you, so that you don’t need to learn these lessons the way he did. Heed his words, they will serve you well.

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