Four easy steps to padding your resume

By Vance Seeley

Let’s have a rare moment of honesty here. There’s only about 30 people who have any idea what the Students’ Union does and how much power it has. In fact, the student body’s ignorance of the SU has reached such a point that we’re the last people who should be voting for representatives. However, that never stopped the small percentage of us students who have voted in the past from choosing seemingly random candidates.

So, how does a hopeful candidate get the votes required to become imbued with the power of the SU? Simply use the following techniques and the next thing you know, you’ll have an SU position that will look really keen on your resume.

Tip 1: Change your name
When people sit down to vote they’re very likely to vote for whatever name sounds coolest. For example (to blatantly steal a good gag from the Simpsons), don’t run under your real name, run under the name of Max Power. With a name like that you’re guaranteed to win by a landslide. After all, are you more likely to vote for Nathaniel Coleridge III or Superfly Billy?

People will also vote for you if they think they might know you. So change your name to something familiar. For example, change your name to simply Matthew– everyone knows a Matthew.

Tip 2: Become attractive
If people remember anything from your posters it’s how good looking you are. Don’t be above filling your poster with attractive friends in revealing clothing.

Tip 3: Spin a web of lies
Your actual campaign promises are the least important part of you being elected. Make impossible claims that you have no intention of fulfilling. Some examples include: supplying all the beer next ENGG Week, building a student lounge fully stocked with computers and freshens breath, or lowering tuition. Don’t worry about actually doing any of these things, being in the SU means you’re never actually held accountable. The worst thing that could happen is the Gauntlet could write a scathing article about you.

Tip 4: Actually get people to vote
This is the hardest step, as you must convince the apathetic masses to actually vote. The best method is to attempt to change the name of the position you’re running for. So, if you’re running for VP Events, run for Minister of Good Times. People are more likely to vote if they get the chance to choose their next Baron, as opposed to next President.

Since it’s too late to use these tips this election, put this article in a safe place, such as under your pillow or tattooed on your back. Do this, and next year you could be the next Baron von Goodtimes of the SU.

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