Krafty feels dirty after touching his computer

By Richard Bergen

At 3 a.m. on a Tuesday morning, sleeping is what most of our diurnal population hopes to be doing. So, tossing and turning with no signs of sleep coming soon, it was at around this time that I found myself cruising the internet looking for something to do.

While a lesser man may have cracked and found himself perusing one of the many porn sites available, I held strong and found myself an online game of hearts. Looking for a friendly match, I joined a table for a game. It only took about two seconds for the shit to fly.

“Hurry up, rookie!” I was told.

Apparently my inability to pass cards left in a timely manner was something to be scoffed at. No matter, I thought, but as the game progressed I was continually waylaid with further insults about both my card playing abilities and, as it went on, my personality. Eventually I stuck up for myself, stuffed the bastard with the queen of spades, and the game concluded in relative peace.

It was on a similar night, many weeks down the road, I once again found myself crawling out of bed, frustrated that sleep eluded me. I flipped on my computer screen, avoiding the cut-throat card tables, and strayed instead to the wide-world of Internet chat sites. My initial search led me to a general domain called “The University Years.”

I assumed academia, drinking stories and university culture would be the most likely topics. Instead the most common chat room theme was “Mothers who like young cock.”

Strange, I thought, but eventually I found a room titled “The Study Lounge” and entered in the hopes of a half-decent insomniatic conversation. It wasn’t long before I found myself engaged in a timid, un-enticing conversation, but it was enough to keep me involved.

Soon, my new “friend” was asking why I was up so late.

Can’t sleep, I told him.

“Why don’t you clean the bathroom?” he asked me.

Odd, I thought, but I responded by telling him that at 3 a.m., touching bathroom scum wasn’t quite what I wanted to be doing.

“Well why don’t you find someone to fuck with?” he then asked.

I get a bit nervous here, but maybe he’s just an over-hormonal frat boy with nothing else to talk about on a Tuesday night, so I go with it.

Um, I don’t know if you’re talking about a real live person, or if you’re talking about that internet cyber-ing thing, I’m pretty new at this, but I think that’s something I’m not quite capable of doing right now.

From there, things got a bit scary.

“You got a pussy? Cause I would love to fuck your pussy, or fuck up your ass right now.”


I shut down my computer. Everything, even the screen went off. Then I just sat there, staring at the screen.

What the fuck just happened? Is this the kind of thing online people did? Was that a legitimate pickup line? I mean, he didn’t even know my gender!

So here I am, up again on another sleepless night. My Internet connection is very much off right now. Maybe I’ll download some music later, but I’m sure Metallica is just sitting there waiting to tell me how bad my music collection is, then try and get fresh with me by ramming a guitar up my ass.

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