Worst date ever

By Kelli Stevens

Worsts’ are the backbone of funny stories. Worst jobs, worst cars and worst roommates all provide fodder for amusing anecdotes. Worst dates are no different, and while some stories gather dust in the recesses of people’s memories or remain stored in old photo albums, others beg to be told over and over.

The description of Jamie’s worst date is one of the latter.

Jamie got herself into trouble when she heard there were prizes to be won at an upcoming cabaret. Finding one of the organizers, she demanded to know how she could get her hands on some of the "free stuff" being talked about by the DJ, the other revelers, even the bar staff.

Jamie, like many university students, is a sucker for giveaways, so she didn’t even blink when Paul (the cabaret organizer) said he needed her phone number to call her back about the prizes.

As it happens, prizes weren’t the only booty on Paul’s mind. He quickly became a constant caller and the phone rang for the next five days.

Jamie’s mother happened to visit during one of Paul’s calls and gave her a lecture about growing old and dying alone. Driven to prove her mother wrong, Jamie set a date for the next evening.

Paul was supposed to pick her up at nine. He arrived at 10:30. Paul wanted to get something to eat. Jamie wasn’t hungry, but agreed to go anyway. Arriving at the restaurant, Jamie sat down at their booth, Paul squeezed in next to her and proceeded to put his muddy shoes on the seats across from them.

Impressed with his etiquette thus far, Jamie figured she was in for a very long night. Her assumption was verified when Paul asked for her opinion on the menu. After listening to her response, he came back with, "I don’t like cheese, so pizza is no good, that sandwich would be alright except I’m not a fan of bread, and I’m sure that salad is tasty, but I have an aversion to vegetables."

Eventually, Paul found something to satisfy his hunger. He then made sure to satisfy any hunger Jamie may have had for information about himself. As he went through his life story, an hour passed and Paul was still talking (with his mouth full, of course). Jamie saw salvation when the waitress brought their bill.

In a hurry to escape, Jamie threw down a 20–to cover the cost of her one drink. Paul placed a five on top, grabbed his jacket, glanced at the muddy seat across the table, and left, leaving a flabbergasted Jamie to follow.

When he took her straight home, Jamie was relieved. But as she scrambled to get out of the car, she was shocked to hear "I’ll just come up and tuck you in. I promise, once you get into bed, I will use my best techniques to make sure you tire out and fall asleep."

Jamie was speechless. Not knowing what else to do, she bolted from the car, leaving Paul and one of her "worsts" behind her.

And what prize did she get for all that? A pencil and a key chain.

Leave a comment