Couch Bums do something important

By To Be Announced

As part of its never-ending mission to search for the rarest and most intriguing life forms on this planet, National Geographic has come across perhaps the world’s most enigmatic creature. It defies categorization. Unlike nearly all other species on Earth, its life’s purpose is not to procreate. In fact, this incredible specimen can go through life entirely goalless. In this article, National Geographic will explore the many dimensions of laysaroundus onitsassus, or as it is more commonly called, the Couch Bum.

When first encountering this creature, one cannot help but be struck by its grotesquely lethargic nature. The Couch Bum barely moves and shares an unbreakable bond with its home, the couch. This creature does not groom itself whatsoever, which not only reflects its subconscious urge to avoid society but also creates a musky stink, which has the effect of repelling mates. This natural defense allows the Couch Bum to live in solitude.

The Couch Bum is a fiercely territorial species. They have been known to battle for weeks on end to retain their home-which usually lies right in the middle of another creature’s residence. The Couch Bum is not an aggressive creature, therefore it must win its fights in Ghandi-like fashion. Much in the way a young child will hold its breath until its mother gives into its pleas, a Couch Bum will lay unfazed and undaunted until its nemesis either cut its losses and retreats, or passes out from the fumes generated by the Couch Bum during the battle.

Although a Couch Bum can blossom into a human being (it can mature anytime it pleases) it is frequently mistaken for a member of the homosapien family. This misconception is easily made, as, under the rings of dirt, the bundles of hair and the layers of protective blankets that shield it from the outside world, the Couch Bum actually sort of resembles a caveman.

The Couch Bum, however, is actually more closely related to the Three-Toed Sloth. The Three-Toed Sloth, residing in Central and South American jungles, spends its time sleeping 15-18 hour day, eating and drinking next to nothing, and rarely leaving its tree branches. The two species share an innate sense of social indifference, as well as many physical characteristics. The Three-Toed Sloth does, however, gather food during the night, an action unfathomable to a Couch Bum.

The Couch Bum does no hunting or gathering, and if food or drink is unavailable, it may, without moving, scrounge the immediate surroundings of the couch in a feeble stab at finding sustenance. If the situation deteriorates, a Couch Bum may be heard moaning, or whimpering, in an attempt to lure an inviting snack its way. Couch Bums are often surrounded by human beings and, when a Couch Bum’s protests become too loud or annoying (or in most cases, too pitiful), a homosapien will throw something at it to make it more docile. The Couch Bum will then voraciously consume the offering, and, smiling, turn his back to man to return to its state of semi-consciousness. This is seen as a gesture of satisfaction.

A word of caution: when around Couch Bums, never introduce them to alcoholic beverages or any other hedonistic substances. A Couch Bum can become extremely dependant upon these and will become comfortable in this atmosphere, which further entrenches it in its habitat.

As stated earlier, a Couch Bum can mature, but only when it is extremely motivated. This maturation process involves an awfully arduous adventure, which usually involves climbing stairs, the mere thought of which makes a Couch Bum quiver.

The start of the trek is the hardest part, the Couch Bum must leave its refuge.

Propping itself up from its natural prone position, it uses its two arms to shift itself as to allow it to balance onto its two feet. From there, the Couch Bum takes slow steps towards its place of rebirth: the shower.

Just because it has left home does not make this a quick transformation. The Couch Bum may get distracted many times on its way to the shower and may even return to its home for one last rest.

Slowly and surely, like a salmon against the current the Couch Bum trudges toward the shower. Finally, as a caterpillar becomes a butterfly, the former Couch Bum exits the washroom a fully functional human being. The miracle of life is nowhere as magical near as it is here. This Bum has been cleansed and is able to begin a new life, with purpose and meaning.

That is, of course, unless it relapses.

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