We’re raving in tongues!

By Marcus Lucas

So the Vatican chastised Catherine-Zeta Jones and other Hollywood celebrities for using the cross as a fashion accessory. Well I’ve got news for you JP2: sacrilegious style is here and it’s sheer. Get used to it!

Designers are already taking the hint, and here’s a peek at some of the innovative new designs coming out this season.

Nuns may have taken a vow of celibacy, but that’s no reason they can’t look fabulous while doing it! The new Bad Habit from Gucci sends hemlines racing to high heaven and low cut chests leaving the designers saying “the Devil made me do it!”

These aren’t your “father’s” clerical robes. Shapeless and drab are gone, replaced by form-fitting and fabulous! Versace has taken standard monastic and clerical robes and added a dash of pizzazz. Three words: sequins, sequins, sequins! These eye-catching styles will bring onlookers to their knees.

Coming soon to a piercing parlor near you, it’s the latest body art craze sweeping Europe. First they popularized tattoos, then they created prosthetic horns and now the stigmata piercings! Sure they hurt like Hell, but you’ll look like an angel with these eye-catching beauties. Nothing says “I’m so fashion conscious, I’ll mutilate my body in whatever way is currently fashionable and disregard any respect I might possess for the religion from which I’m ripping this monstrously offensive fashion item off” like a matching set of hand and foot holes.

Now, I know what you’re thinking. “Wait a second, I’ve offended Catholicism and every other mainstream western religion 1,000 ways already, aren’t there offensive fashions for other religions as well?”

Have no fear kids and kittens, Ralph Lauren and others are releasing new line-ups for those of more diverse, daring taste.

Just because you’re not an orthodox Jew doesn’t meanyou can’t reap the fashion benefits of a yarmulke. They’re bold, they’re daring, they’re studded! And, oh yes, did someone say sequins? Sequins! Paint the town red with this fashionable little number, and you’ll have to rest on the Sabbath!

Is nothing sacred? No, that’s the whole point! Fresh from the Martha Stewart collection at K-Mart, the team that brought you “soap dishes shaped like place-settings,” something for the kids!

Children have always looked darling in hats and love origami, right? Then why not try a paper hat made from pages of the Koran or Boggrhavitta? Sure, they’re the holy texts of two of the largest religions in the world, but don’t the kiddies just look darling?

That’s right, “sacro-style” is here to stay, so John Paul­­­–and I’m not talking Gauthier–hang on to your pointy little hat and enjoy the ride.

Oh, and a word to the wise, wearing white after Labour Day is a major fashion faux pas.

Marcus Lucas is the Fashion Editor for Standards of Beauty You Can’t Possibly Achieve and author of his wildly successful autobiography, I’m Beautiful and You’re a Peasant.

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