Welcome to the year of the bastard

By Gauntlet Editorial Board

Last year was kind of a crappy one. Michael Jackson walked away from conviction despite the the majority of the jurors being convinced of his guilt, natural disasters ravaged the globe, and our nation suffered an entire winter without Don Cherry. But what’s done is done. Let all acquaintance be forgot, and never brought to mind.

Sadly though, forecasts for 2006 aren’t looking good. In fact, it seems as though everyone hates you.

According to Pastor Fred Phelps and his following at the Westboro Baptist Church in Topeka, Kansas, God hates you. Due to an upswing in tolerance for homosexuals, Phelps feels that shocking vitriol, when used in conjunction with the wrath of God, may save our souls from eternal damnation. Tragedies of the past–including the recent mining disaster in West Virginia–are the result of God punishing homosexuals. In a press release from the group thanking God for his wrath and the deaths of the miners, the Westboro Baptists deduce that ‘God hates fags and fag-enablers, ergo God hates the Sago Miners and is tormenting them in Hell.’ It probably makes sense if you hate homosexuals as much as they do.

It isn’t clear whether the 12 miners were indeed a homosexual mining team, like some new iteration of the Village People, but a bunch of miners more concerned with each other’s shafts seems unlikely in West Virginia. In fact, the predominantly republican state rests within the ‘bible belt’ of America. If the West Virginians are ‘enabling fags,’ then we Canadians, with our same-sex legislation, must be long due for a vacation boiling in the feces of retarded armadillos. If you are not presently spewing hate-filled rhetoric, you are a fag-enabler. So unless you’re able to simultaneously read a newspaper and be intolerant very loudly, God wants to you to die of explosive dysentery.

According to the smear campaigns of the Liberal and Conservative parties of Canada, pretty much every Canadian politician hates you and wants you dead. Paul Martin wants to take all your money and run down your dog with his motorcade. The Conservatives definitely want you to die in the street with no healthcare or education. The lack of clear, concise political dialogue in our country as we approach a federal election is akin to six-year-olds flinging insults at each other on a playground. They think you’re dumb enough to be scared into voting a particular way.

Mainstream media doesn’t think much more of you. Over the break, Dose published an edition with a Telus ad plastered across the front page. Apparently Telus’ new lowered rates warrant more of your attention than, oh, that’s right, the news. Their explanation for this was essentially ‘these guys offered us a lot of money, so to hell with integrity.’

Just as much to blame as the perpetrators of such bastardry as godhatesfags.com, the federal election and Dose are those who allow it to happen. Maybe we didn’t see it coming because things only get a little bit worse every year, but we’ve been letting these things slide way too often. The best way to deal with bastards is to be one right back. Things only get worse if we let them. Stand up. Make noise.

Welcome to the year of the bastard.

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