Political jargon with a professional pundit

By Greg Ellis

“War is God’s way of teaching Americans geography.”

– Ambrose Bierce

War may be God’s way of teaching Americans geography but what is God’s way of teaching them words and expressions? No one quick answer? How about 23?

Excessive Profits

Impossible. Logical fallacy. Your computer has just performed a communist operation and will shut down.

Future, The

Dark and dangerous place with unknown unknowns. A place where the terrorists may strike at any time. A place with more profits and more prisons.


Never with representation. Fee paid at the going rate of a government pimp.

Church and State

Like conjoined siamese twins, never to be separated. Separation represents weakness. Weakness is liberal. Liberal is stupid.

Business degree, the

Realizing that only three maxims exists as eternal truths: (1)- Oil companies make lots of money (2)- Wal-Mart is big and (3)- Everything in life, from what you plan on having for supper to whether or not you will wash your underwear can be boiled down to a cost benefit analysis.

Ann Coulter



Busting your ass for four years at a university degree, only to realize you could make more money bartending or waitressing.

Freedom of speech

Sacrosant and absolute. Applies to everyone equally and to every situation. Similar to the universal law of gravitation. However, exceptions occur when otherwise free speech is directed at: whites, midgets, blacks, hispanics, short people, lesbians, autistic lesbians, autistic blue eyed lesbians, people with arthritis, people who wish they didn’t have arthritis, Jews, Hollywood Jews, fat people, people who hate fat people, people within the postal code T2L, people who think postal codes are a conspiracy, dogs, cats, ferrets and Guatemalan pigs.


Reported and experienced in roughly similar probability to those who claim to have had an out of body experience. Typical run ins with justice resemble being locked in an outhouse outside of a Taco Bell for two weeks without food or water.

Value of life/right to life

Contingent upon net worth and ethnicity, comparing lives is like comparing apples and oranges. For your reference conversion ratio is 5,000 non-Caucasians = one American celebrity.

University newspaper columnist

Failure. Resulting outcome of child neglect and sexual frustration. Chooses to express himself to whomever will listen.


Truth. Roughly the equivalent of a late night infomercial hosted by Ken Lay and Conrad Black, edited by the founders of Bre-X and reviewed by the CEO’s of big tobacco who insist nicotine is not addictive. Tom Cruise, go ahead file your lawsuit, all the ink in the world can’t stop me!


Not addictive. Unless you’re liberal and weak.

Organized religion

Massive multi-national corporation that has figured out how to never pay taxes.

Calgary Sun

National Enquirer. Suspicions should arise as the sports section is five times that of any other section. Additionally, contains borderline pornography in the form of the Sunshine Girl, or so I have heard. Regular readers reports side effects of: lowered self-esteem, increased use of mono-syllabic words, shotgun Alberta jingoism and severe diarrhea.

Abortion Debate

Quagmire. Both sides substitute passion for reason and then reason for stupidity. On the pro choice side: if it is not a baby/person, you are therefore not pregnant so what are you aborting? On the pro-life side: stop showing your overwhelming respect for the value of life by murdering abortion doctors.

University mathematical limit

lim BSc.. = BA

GPA–> 0


Anything and everything presented by a host more enthusiastic than your high school guidance counselor. Or anytime there is a time limit counter on purchasing it.


Zacharias Mousouaii avoiding the death penalty even though he was training to be a suicide hijacker for September 11th.

University newspaper

Communist Manifesto. Repository for the neglected and troubled. Deluded into thinking that it influences and makes a difference.

Real Estate Agent


Moore, Micheal

Fat. Also Liberal, therefore: fat fuck.


Excuse for not making $250,000+ per year.

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