Give us shelter! …Please?

By Christian Louden

Once upon a time, the chosen people journeyed westward in search of riches and a better life, away from their eastern oppressors. The West would give the chosen people a new start, promise of fortune and a place to lay the foundation for the family homestead.

Cities boomed, and eventually busted. While the chosen few prospered and the rest suffered, Federally mandated consideration for the selfish majority–who huddled for warmth in the dark–was fruitlessly resisted. Down, but not out, the chosen people of the West began to rebuild their economy. Western heroes stood up to the goliath that was the Federal government and fought valiantly the terms that cost them so much and promoted such foolish ideas as helping out others. After their decisive victory over the evil eastern powers, the western heroes began to rebuild their way of life.

Order was restored, and the chosen few became the region’s wealthy elite and mastered the art of decisively beating their political enemies for control of their cities. The West was recast as the New West, and a new age of burgeoning economic prosperity began. But even in the most prosperous of times, there came a threat to the western elite. Discourse initiated within the Heart of the New West had caused some of its inhabitants to question the rationale behind having so much wealth and high property value that only the wealthy elite can afford to live there.

With an election around the corner and the rebellion not quite put down, such heresy was most untimely indeed. In response, the elite looked to their frail-in-stature but mighty-in-willpower champion, David, to fend off any absurd design that would allow housing to be affordable enough for the hated foes of the elite to live within their beloved enclave. Previously under his decisive leadership, the elite enclave had sprawled across the map, bulldozing low-income housing in favour of luxury condominiums and office buildings. Clearly, maintenance of this strategy was the only logical course of action to ensure the continued prosperity of the elite.

Slowly but surely, the undesirables continued to be chased out of prime real estate, forced to pack themselves into tiny dwellings not meant to accommodate their number. Several times the wretched indigents had plead their case to mighty David to show compassion for their cause by legalizing basement suites in the area surrounding their social and intellectual gathering place. Far too clever to fall for their tricks, David, champion of the elite and his companion Dale, continued to ensure that these vile cockroaches remained secretly in dark basements, too afraid to come into the light to voice their opinions and engage in public discourse. Those who opposed mighty David and Dale had always been met with defeat.

Their spirits broken, the savages were forced either to start selling kidneys on the black market–thus allowing the wealthy elite to receive much needed surgeries–or leave altogether. In the end, the outcome was win-win. Praise David and Dale, champions of the elite! Re-elect them in the upcoming election! A vote for our champions is a vote for the exodus and domination of those unworthy of living in this, the Heart of the New West! Long live the oligarchy! Long live mayor Dave!

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