The Comical Misadventures of Dapper & Diaper

BOOK: THE SECONDHow Dapper & Diaper, two well intentioned bears, earned their keep through means unbecoming of a bear (or two bears).

One day, Dapper & Diaper, two rather bearish bears, ravenously finished their last nacho platter. Upon devouring the last salsa-drenched chip, Dapper, a bear dressed in a rather dashing smoking jacket, let out a great wail of the kind to be expected of a large mammal who happens to be a bear. Hearing his brother’s lament, Diaper, who covered his bare bear behind with a diaper, that was also dashing in its own fashion, began to cry giant, bear tears from his brown, bear eyes. Truly, it was a heartbreaking sight.

Several hours passed until Diaper’s crying caused him to become severely dehydrated. Hydration is, of course, of particular importance to bears. Dapper attempted to console his brother, reminding him that if there’s one thing bears–which Dapper & Diaper were both proud to be–do, it’s land on their feet. His spirits restored, Diaper suggested that perhaps the bear brothers should engage in an age-old bear activity and acquire meaningful employment.

And so out Dapper & Diaper set, their confidence high even by bear standards–bears naturally, possessing a greater amount of confidence than wolves, salamanders or herons, none of which are bears. Rounding a corner Dapper & Diaper, content in the knowledge that they were bears, encountered a group of garishly dressed pandas. There is some debate over whether the pandas were bears or whether they were but glorified raccoons eager to ride on the coattails of their ursine superiors–bears possess triumphant coattails, after all. Regardless of their would-be bear status, the pandas’ bellies and genitals were prominently displayed, and they were more than willing to offer Dapper & Diaper employment.

The pandas, let us call them bears, told Dapper & Diaper–who shall always be called bears, for that is what they areĀ­–their assignment, telling them that their scheduled client had a particular fondness for bears. For clarity’s sake, it should be noted that Dapper & Diaper were, conveniently, bears. Upon arrival at their client’s dwelling, Diaper was surprised to find a full-grown man, who wasn’t a bear at all, wearing the same brand of diaper as he; Dapper, on the other hand, silently shook his head, disappointed that someone could call himself a fan of bears while being so diminutive and effeminate, a quality even female bears–of which there are a few, though neither Dapper nor Diaper happened to be–try their best to avoid.

After a series of unspeakable events, of which mocking, socking, rocking and docking were all a part, Dapper & Diaper, two well intentioned but somewhat sore bears, returned to the pandas, who at this point were rapidly revoking their priveligde to be called bears. Though still maintaining their majestic, bearish nature, Diaper’s eyes contained a noticeably harrowed look while Dapper’s smoking jacket was visibly tarnished, a fact that caused the young bear great distress.

Pleased with their new employees’ first day, the panda bears gave Dapper & Diaper fourteen dollars each, a sum equivalent to roughly 14 bear dollars, the preferred currency of Dapper & Diaper in large part because they, as luck would have it, were bears. So overwhelmed were the pandas by Dapper & Diaper’s performances, they even offered the ursine siblings two enchiladas, completely free of charge. Though the enchiladas were a tad on the cool side, Dapper & Diaper–the two bears around whom this tale is composed–savoured them greatly, realizing that enchiladas just so happened to be even sweeter than normal–enchiladas being a naturally sweet form of sustenance–when they are earned through hard work and dedication.


Thus concludes the story of how Dapper & Diaper earned their keep.

What mysterious adventures will Dapper & Diaper get up to next? Find out in Book: the Third of the comical Misadventures of Dapper & Diaper, two well intentioned bears, entitled How Dapper & Diaper, two well intentioned bears, discover the evils of communism, a socio-political system not in tune with a bear’s natural sense of order.

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