Concerning Ashley Ketchum…

Dr. Arbour’s Log: 06-01-2008 Interview with subject Ashley Ketchum.

Dr. Paul Arbour: Now Ashley…

Ashley Ketchum: It’s Ash.

PA: Very well, Ash. Let’s start from the beginning; when did you run away from home?

AK: I didn’t run away. On my tenth birthday my mom gave me some running shoes and told me I was old enough to become the world’s greatest Pokémon trainer, so that’s what I set out to do.

PA: I see. We’ll get to these pocket monsters in a moment, but first, what happened to these running shoes?

Arbour’s Comments: Our Records indicate that the subject’s mother fled the country when he was four, leaving him with his older sister. Also, the subject was found shoeless in the middle of a forest throwing tennis balls at an enraged grizzly bear. He appeared to have been shoeless for quite some time.

AK: What do you mean? I’m wearing those shoes right now. Along with my Pokédex and Pokéballs they’re the most important things I own. How would I be able to outrun a swarm of Beedrills with walking shoes? Everyone knows you can’t run in those.

PA: I’m fairly certain that isn’t how feet work. Regardless, in previous interviews you’ve mentioned a ‘Professor Oak,’ what is your relationship to this so-called ‘Professor?’

AK: I’m his research assistant. He studies Pokémon, I’m on a mission to become the greatest Pokémon trainer there ever was, do I need to spell it out for you?

PA: Why don’t we assume you do.

AK: Fine, he gave me my Pokédex and asked me to record information on the Pokémon I for his work. He also gave me Pikachu, my best friend.

PA: Ah, yes, Pikachu. You’ve mentioned that it has special powers, which make it a formidable battle opponent. What are these powers?

Arbour’s Comments: In tracing the subject’s backstory, we’ve determined that the only person this ‘Professor’ could have been is an octogenarian homeless man found loitering near the subject’s old apartment claiming he would ‘beat the elite four for crack.’ Our findings show that the homeless man gave the subject an old calculator with severely leaking batteries and a rat that either he or the subject painted yellow along with inserting a coat hanger into the tail to form a ‘lightning bolt’ shape. Our studies show this rat has been dead for at least two months and has likely given the subject rabies.

AK: He’s an electric type, obviously. And yeah, he’s super powerful. Why else would Team Rocket keep trying to steal him?

PA: Yes, you’ve mentioned that these ‘Team Rocket’ characters followed you relentlessly. Ash, did they ever try to initiate physical contact with you?

Arbour’s Comments: This ‘Team Rocket’ the subject speaks of are, in reality, Jesse and James Bourdon, two convicted felons who recently escaped from a nearby prison. When the subject was apprehended they were found nearby fondling a household tabby. They have since been returned to the appropriate authorities and the tabby to Animal Services.

AK: Well sure, sometimes they’d dress up to try to get close to me so they could steal Pikachu, but I always figured it out before they could get away with it. Except for a few times when they got lucky…

PA: Lucky? Ash, what are you talking about? These individuals are criminals, what did they do to you?

AK: I told you, they tried to steal my friends.

PA: Very well, if you don’t want to talk about it we don’t have to right now. Instead I’d like to talk about these ‘Pokémon’ of yours. I’ll be honest, if it wasn’t for the long path of deceased and mutilated animals you left in your wake we wouldn’t have found you. You claim that these ‘Pokémon’ are your friends, yet your actions towards animals speak otherwise…

Arbour’s Comments: Found within a one kilometer radius of where the subject was found were: a dying turtle with a Super Soaker 500 lodged in its shell; a salamander missing its two front legs, in their place were two wings most likely obtained from a robin and an ill crab covered with taped-on mushrooms, among others.

AK: They’re Pokémon, they battle. Sometimes I catch them and sometimes I just fight them for the experience and leave.

PA: You kill animals for experience?

AK: They just faint. It’s normal.

PA: Ash, by our estimates you’ve killed over 2000 animals…

AK: No I didn’t. I’m through with this. Pikachu, use Thunderbolt! Squirtle, use Water Gun! Charizard, use Flamethrower!

Arbour’s Comments: At this point the subject became agitated and commenced shouting commands while flinging the contents of his pockets-including a pigeon-haphazardly.

End Transcript.

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