By Jon Roe
Well, we’re fucked.
The Gauntlet elections took place Wednesday and, as most people expected, the results were disastrous.
“I’m happy to be accepting this position,” said newly elected Editor-in-Chief Cam Cotton-O’Brien, sounds of horse hooves and “Flight of the Valkyries” echoing outside. “I think I can probably do a good job.”
Lighting crashed and the building shook as the results were announced. Cotton-O’Brien won over his competitor Ryan Pike.
Cotton-O’Brien started life at the Gauntlet as a lowly volunteer. This year, he was the lowly opinions editor.
Current Editor-in-Chief, and a generally handsome and well-liked character, Jon Roe was disappointed with the results, but was unavailable to comment because he was unable to slur two words together. He attempted to sum up his position on the results by raising one finger, as if starting to pontificate, and then falling face first into this reporter.
Next year’s news overlord was also decided Wednesday. Katy Anderson ran unopposed for a second term, despite much Gauntlet protest. Strangely, no one took her seriously as she prophesized after her first stay as News Editor on April 31, 2008 that she would be “back” and “with a vengeance.”
Anderson had been features overlord this year and has worked extensively in the news portfolio. No one is quite sure why anyone would want the job of news editor twice.
“If I had to do it again, it’d be murky red bathwater for me,” said current news editor Sarelle Azuelos, with a look of genuine terror in her eyes that anyone would suggest that possibility. “Or zap-zap with the toaster. Zap!”
The general student populace was terrified and gathered in the Den to watch the winners accept their rewards of tequila shots. It was either chicken wings night or the masses were getting their fill of meat before the end of the world that was sure to come. This reporter, for one, believes it to be the latter.