New Pokemon designs pale in comparison to originals, say adult fans of Pokemon

By Brent Constantin

International followers of the Pokemon franchise, who are all of legal age to vote and run for political office, voiced their disapproval over the upcoming release of the latest entries in the long running series, Pokemon Black and Pokemon White.

“The new character art is atrocious,” said 27-year-old master’s student Jeremy Long, a fan since the original Gameboy release in 1998. “Do the designers really expect us to believe that Tepig even comes close to Squirtle? Get real.”

Long’s feelings are echoed across the country as consumers look forward to the March 6 release date and with it, 156 new, shitty Pokemon.

“This is the single most insulting thing I’ve ever witnessed,” said Amanda Young, who has yet to cancel her pre-order for the game. “We need to let Nintendo know how we feel by only purchasing one version and not both. It’s time to take a stand.”

Many online critiques of the game, typed both at home and at real, paying jobs, focus on its inclusion of three genie-type legendary Pokemon who are so similar one might suspect simple palette swapping; the addition of triple battles which will destroy classic game play; infinite use of TMs, robbing the game of much of its strategy; and the use of new “season” effects, which many see as the extension of unpopular “time-of-day” mechanics from previous iterations.

“I was really hoping some of these designs were fake,” said fully-grown human male James Foulkes. “I’m usually very open minded to new designs but, for instance, the three monkey types — it looks like they put a lot of attention into the fire one and then just ran out of time on the others.”

Not all fans are speaking in unison, however. Some, like fourth-grader Melissa Tolsky, are ignorant to the subtle nuances of creative ability that have waned over the past five generations of Pokemon releases.

“I think the big alligator is so cool!” the obviously uneducated 11-year-old spouted. “I’m going to get all the points!”

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