So it all goes to shit

By Sarelle Azuelos

Well, we’re all fucked. Just when you thought student journalism was a reliable source of all things happening on campus, a new set of editors is elected to stir shit up — and not in a good way. The incoming editor-in-chief Susan 
Anderson and the incoming news editor Riley Hill plan to screw things up as much as possible. 

Anderson, who insists the new editorial board refer to her only as Cutthroat Susan, will replace Erin Shumlich as the Gauntlet’s head hotshot. Anderson ran her campaign diligently and canvassed hard to let everyone know she was the best candidate in a tight race against no one. 

“This office needs to be cleaned up,” said Anderson, who took many breaks from her campaign speech to take swigs of whisky. Anderson promised to make the office country-themed and play country music 24/7 because “everyone loves country, right?”

Riley Hill will take over news editor and was the only person to apply for the absolutely horrible job.

“I’m obviously the best looking person in the office,” said Hill, who added that pictures don’t do his chiseled features justice. 

“How can you trust his stupid face?” asked bitter outgoing news editor Michael Grondin, who said voters unanimously disapprove of Hill’s lack of denim attire. 

Hill rapped his platform points, which included forcing volunteers to play him in a game of chess before their stories are allowed in the paper.

“Good luck. You nerds are going to need it,” said Shumlich, shaking her head in disgust. 

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