It's early morning, the sun is peering through the bountiful cloud cover and below in the deep sanctity of the sea an unknown avenger of unperceived proportions is stirring. Mittens Newswire, a futuristic news corporation set in times much distant from now, has uncovered what will become of earth in a not so distant future. Only Mittens can bring you the exclusive scoop on the catastrophic events that will forever shape earth's coming years.

Exotic treats that give us the runs

the Gauntlet talks to a veteran wizard

The untold story of Mario

Although the stories below are real, the names of the individuals involved have been changed and the stories are a combination of short blurbs about dates gone bad. They were sent into Mittens Newswire this issue as a part of National Dating Week.

Holy lexicon, Batman! We've jumped through the hoops of a contractual obligation to bring you a mindbusting activities page and contest (opposite), but don't forget to read this review so you can get pumped about winning your very own copy of the Canadian